I hate this, I hate this, I HATE THIS!
It has been 9 months. I really thought it would be easier by now. The grief should be easing and accepting that my brother is gone and I will never see him again should be easier.
It's not.
The pain is still here, still fresh every day.
Now saying this does not mean it hasn't gotten ANY better. There are days that go by that I don't break down. Not a lot, but some. I do make it through most days and can eat and sleep which is better than the first few weeks. I still have some insomnia but definitely not as much.
The depression that I had mostly dealt with growing up is back in force though. I had gotten to a better place but with everything that has happened this year it has resurfaced. There are too many days that I feel the world would be better off with out me. I have my kids which helps break me out of the slumps but there is not a lot of happy in me. I can put on a good show for everyone. I am not so bad that I would even consider taking my life. I have been there and don't plan on going back.
I really miss my brother. I hate sitting at my husband's parent's house and watching his family. It just reminds me of what I don't have anymore.
My family was never ideal but I at least had some. Now I just feel like I am drifting by myself. My mom is pretty much out of my life and I have never been exactly close to my dad. Without my brother I feel isolated.
I have my husband and children but there is something about the people you grew up with, the ones who share your childhood memories, that you can call, or email, or text, or facebook, or however you talk to your siblings, and just be able to reminisce. They know exactly how you felt and what happened without having to explain everything.
I know I am rambling but I really just want to be talking with my brother about Halloween and asking his opinion on how to make my daughter's zombie costume better and what would be a good "first" horror movie for my oldest daughter. His birthday is coming up and I know I will be a complete wreck that day.
I still want a hug from Matt. Just one. Please?
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Monday, October 10, 2011
Ariel by Gabriel Madison
Ariel by Gabriel MadisonMy rating: 1 of 5 stars
I have finished reading Ariel. This book took me a long time to get through. It felt like it dragged on forever.The book is only 287 pages which normally would take me 4-5 hours to read. This book took me days. I had to push myself to even finish it.
I WANTED to like this book. I really liked the premise of the book. Teen was an angel in a former life and now reborn as a human remembers everything about being an angel. God disappears from Heaven and an adventure starts. It had such potential unfortunately it was poorly written. There were a massive amount of typos that completely pulled me out of the story. It truly looked as though someone ran spell check and called it good. Whoever was the copy editor of this book has FAILED. Although most words were spelled correctly they were the wrong words. For example here is a line from the book - "The waiter brought our try of food..." Now if this was truly an ARC I could have moved past it but no this book has already been published.
The writing itself is very amateurish. When I first started reading this book I though it was a sequel. The author kept referencing a scene where the main character rescued an angel. It seemed as though we should already know what he was talking about. So I got online and searched for the previous book. Couldn't find one. Then I thought the author would explain further into the story. Nope. No info was ever given later. The author also tends to state the same thing over and over. We get it, the main character does NOT like clairvoyants.
There are too many pop culture references that will make this book dated quickly. The love story comes out of left field. You are led to think the main character is making a connection to one character then another comes in in the middle of the book. The first love interest then disappears towards the end of the book with no mention of him. I think the author forgot about him. Maybe this was on purpose to leave us wanting more but I really didn't get that impression.
I am thankful I did not spend any money on this book and I would NOT recommend it to anyone. I will not be buying a sequel as I have no desire to find out what happens next.
View all my reviews
Friday, October 7, 2011
If I Die by Rachel Vincent
If I Die by Rachel VincentMy rating: 4 of 5 stars
If I Die is the 5th book in the Soul Screamers series.
Kaylee is a bein sidhe (or banshee) and has to scream for people's souls as they die.
In this installment of the story Kaylee is dealing with the news that she may die very soon as well as trying to figure out what's up with her new math teacher.
If you haven't read the previous books you will definitely want to pick them up first or you may be a bit confused.
This is my favorite book so far of the series, although the 2 short stories available as ebooks, are the best and really help fill in the missing parts, especially for this book. The author does a nice job showing the stages of grief as Kaylee processes her possible death. Kaylee tries to fit a whole life in a few days and it's interesting to see what becomes important and what doesn't matter in the end.
I have always liked Tod as a character and he truly shines in this book. I feel as though this story was his almost as much as Kaylee's.
The story moves along very quickly and although it is pretty predictable it has a very satisfying ending.
Definitely ready for the next one to be out.
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Delirium by Lauren Oliver
Delirium by Lauren OliverMy rating: 4 of 5 stars
This book has an interesting concept. Love is a disease. Love can be cured. The hurt and pain of it is taken away with the cure.
I think that at some point in everyone's life they have wished they could get rid of the pain from life, but as this book shows there are 2 sides to love and if you get rid of one you get rid of the other.
I really enjoyed this book and am now anxiously awaiting the sequel.
The characters are well developed and I felt a real connection to the main character, Lena.
Her relationship with Alex did feel rushed at certain points but when you read the book you understand why the author did that.
You are left with lots of questions which makes it seem as though the next book will never get here. Delirium has a lot in common with Ally Condie's book Matched so if you have read that you should enjoy this book and vice versus.
View all my reviews
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Won a book on GoodReads
Ariel by Gabriel MadisonJust found out I won this in a GoodReads First Read contest. Can't wait to receive it so I can read and review it.
View all my reviews
Monday, September 26, 2011
Couch to 5K - Day 1
Ok so I bit the bullet and decided to use C25K.
My sister-in-law tried this awhile back and from what I read on her blog it seemed to work pretty well.
I like that you go at your own pace. Week 2 you're not actually ready for a change? No problem. Keep doing Week 1 workout until you can handle it. The other thing I like about it is that someone is telling me what to do :D There is a schedule. I can follow schedules.
So Week 1 you start with a 5 min warm up walk, then alternate 1 min run and 2 min walk, and finish with another 5 min walk at the end. It is supposed to take 30 minutes but I managed to mess it up and ended up going 35 minutes.
I guess if you're going to mess up it's better to go longer than shorter :)
The best part of this was I made it with no problem. Yeah I was sweating and definitely breathing good BUT I could have gone another 5 to 10 minutes. So as long as Wednesday goes as well I may go ahead and start Week 2 on Friday. I figure I may have more issues with that one.
You are supposed to only do it 3 days a week which I will but I am going to do a mile run/walk on my off days. I am bad about taking one day off and then not going back to it so I need to keep up a routine of doing it EVERY day.
Doing this I will hopefully be ready for the 5k in April. I would love to be able to run the entire time but I will be happy to finish within 40 minutes. Considering I did 2.5 miles in 35 minutes I think it is a good goal!
My sister-in-law tried this awhile back and from what I read on her blog it seemed to work pretty well.
I like that you go at your own pace. Week 2 you're not actually ready for a change? No problem. Keep doing Week 1 workout until you can handle it. The other thing I like about it is that someone is telling me what to do :D There is a schedule. I can follow schedules.
So Week 1 you start with a 5 min warm up walk, then alternate 1 min run and 2 min walk, and finish with another 5 min walk at the end. It is supposed to take 30 minutes but I managed to mess it up and ended up going 35 minutes.
I guess if you're going to mess up it's better to go longer than shorter :)
The best part of this was I made it with no problem. Yeah I was sweating and definitely breathing good BUT I could have gone another 5 to 10 minutes. So as long as Wednesday goes as well I may go ahead and start Week 2 on Friday. I figure I may have more issues with that one.
You are supposed to only do it 3 days a week which I will but I am going to do a mile run/walk on my off days. I am bad about taking one day off and then not going back to it so I need to keep up a routine of doing it EVERY day.
Doing this I will hopefully be ready for the 5k in April. I would love to be able to run the entire time but I will be happy to finish within 40 minutes. Considering I did 2.5 miles in 35 minutes I think it is a good goal!
Tired!
Man am I worn out!
I have WAYYYY too much going on in my life this month.
My dad will be here in 2 days (yay!), so he can help me go through my brother's stuff (sad).
My mother has moved away (YAY!), now I am dealing with the realtors to get her house sold (boo!).
Working a lot (yay money), working a lot (boo).
I am president of the Booster Club at my daughters' gymnastics school (how did that happen?).
Trying to get myself in shape to run/walk a 5k with my wonderful family including my sister-in-law, getting in shape (yay), sore muscles (boo). This one isn't too bad. We have until April to get there. The biggest issue is I let myself get out of exercising this summer so the past 2 days have not been fun on my body. Hopefully it will get better.
Saw my grandmother this last month.
I know it will probably be the last time I see her. It was really hard to see her give up. She has always been a really strong person in her own quiet way. Always very active in church life and with her friends.
Now she hasn't left her house in the 4 months that my dad has been staying with her.
I know she is going to be 94 this November and that my grandfather has been gone for almost 6 years, but it breaks my heart to know she will be gone soon.
I think part of it is from losing my brother and knowing that the Miller line is all on me. My dad is the only one who ever had kids and with Matt dying so young and not ever having kids of his own, I'm it. I know that my daughters carry it on but it's still hard. What if none of them have kids? That's it for our line. The Millers will be gone. At this point the name won't even carry on.
Still I am thankful that I got down to Texas and saw her. The biggest regret I have is not going down and seeing my grandpa when he was in the hospital. I was able to have a real goodbye and hug and for all I know she will live for another 10 years and I will get to see her again.
Wow. Ok so this post kind of got away from me. Guess I had more to say about my grandma than I thought.
I have WAYYYY too much going on in my life this month.
My dad will be here in 2 days (yay!), so he can help me go through my brother's stuff (sad).
My mother has moved away (YAY!), now I am dealing with the realtors to get her house sold (boo!).
Working a lot (yay money), working a lot (boo).
I am president of the Booster Club at my daughters' gymnastics school (how did that happen?).
Trying to get myself in shape to run/walk a 5k with my wonderful family including my sister-in-law, getting in shape (yay), sore muscles (boo). This one isn't too bad. We have until April to get there. The biggest issue is I let myself get out of exercising this summer so the past 2 days have not been fun on my body. Hopefully it will get better.
Saw my grandmother this last month.
I know it will probably be the last time I see her. It was really hard to see her give up. She has always been a really strong person in her own quiet way. Always very active in church life and with her friends.
Now she hasn't left her house in the 4 months that my dad has been staying with her.
I know she is going to be 94 this November and that my grandfather has been gone for almost 6 years, but it breaks my heart to know she will be gone soon.
I think part of it is from losing my brother and knowing that the Miller line is all on me. My dad is the only one who ever had kids and with Matt dying so young and not ever having kids of his own, I'm it. I know that my daughters carry it on but it's still hard. What if none of them have kids? That's it for our line. The Millers will be gone. At this point the name won't even carry on.
Still I am thankful that I got down to Texas and saw her. The biggest regret I have is not going down and seeing my grandpa when he was in the hospital. I was able to have a real goodbye and hug and for all I know she will live for another 10 years and I will get to see her again.
Wow. Ok so this post kind of got away from me. Guess I had more to say about my grandma than I thought.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Always Remember
I am going to repost what I posted last year.
Losing my brother this year and knowing he would never have gone in to the Army if the attacks on that day had never happened makes this year that much harder.
I will never forget and here are my memories.
I know this is a day late but I wasn't originally going to post anything. So many others have written remembrances that I didn't think mine would add anything. I realized earlier though that the more people put it out there the less likely anyone is to forget. If you are looking for any to read I highly recommend author Meg Cabot's post about 9/11. I read it every year and it always makes me break down into tears.
Here is what I remember from that day.
I was a new mom for the third time. Sleep was still a rare thing in my house so I was taking full advantage of the fact that everyone in my household was blissfully sleeping. My phone rand annoying me to no end. WHY? Why did someone have to call and wake me up?!? I was so aggravated to have to answer the phone that I was very angry when I picked it up. It was my best friend.
"Is your t.v. on?"
"No"
"Turn it ON!"
I think I might have asked her what channel, not realizing that it didn't matter.
I remember the feelings as I watched everything happen. I remember watching Katie Couric and Matt Lauer talking and behind them the first tower was falling. I remember yelling at the t.v. telling them to turn around and to shut up. I know they couldn't hear me but it was the only response I could handle at the time. My husband and I sat in complete shock and then...the other tower fell and we both started crying. We had just watched emergency workers head into those buildings. We both knew that no one was going to survive that.
I remember the phone calls that day as everyone was trying to understand what was happening. One of my friends called to ask me whether she should go get her daughters out of school. My husband's work called to say they had closed his site just to be safe. They NEVER do that.
I remember sitting watching the t.v. all day feeling numb. My oldest daughter watched with me until I realized how young she was and that she shouldn't be watching as they replayed the plane crashing footage. She was not quite 4 years old. I never let her watch violence on t.v. but it just didn't occur to me. I couldn't comprehend what was going on. I remember her asking me if a plane was going to crash here, or if it would hit Nana and Papa's house, or daddy's work. She kept asking this for weeks terrified that every time daddy went to work he might not come home. She was young but the terrorists did their job.
I remember the gas hikes, people taking advantage of our fear. We were one of those who needed gas that night as we tried to go on with our lives and keep everything as normal as possible for our kids. Luckily my husband was able to find gas at a normal price but I remember the signs for $5 a gallon and the lines as people raced to get it.
I also remember complete strangers coming together and helping each other. Seeing the flags being flown at every house. Hugs from people I had never met and will probably never see again. We made it through that day and the weeks that followed.
My brother joined the army that year like so many other young men. I remember the fear I felt for him as he left for boot camp. The relief every time I see him, even now, knowing he is alright. I am so proud of him. I don't tell him that enough. I will try to do better.
My daughters don't remember much from that day. The younger two were too young and my oldest only has vague memories and I don't know how many are truly from that day or just from things she has seen or read since.
We have now made it nine years but when I see the footage from that day or read first-hand accounts about it, it all comes flooding back. Every time. Life has moved on but we should never forget.
Losing my brother this year and knowing he would never have gone in to the Army if the attacks on that day had never happened makes this year that much harder.
I will never forget and here are my memories.
I know this is a day late but I wasn't originally going to post anything. So many others have written remembrances that I didn't think mine would add anything. I realized earlier though that the more people put it out there the less likely anyone is to forget. If you are looking for any to read I highly recommend author Meg Cabot's post about 9/11. I read it every year and it always makes me break down into tears.
Here is what I remember from that day.
I was a new mom for the third time. Sleep was still a rare thing in my house so I was taking full advantage of the fact that everyone in my household was blissfully sleeping. My phone rand annoying me to no end. WHY? Why did someone have to call and wake me up?!? I was so aggravated to have to answer the phone that I was very angry when I picked it up. It was my best friend.
"Is your t.v. on?"
"No"
"Turn it ON!"
I think I might have asked her what channel, not realizing that it didn't matter.
I remember the feelings as I watched everything happen. I remember watching Katie Couric and Matt Lauer talking and behind them the first tower was falling. I remember yelling at the t.v. telling them to turn around and to shut up. I know they couldn't hear me but it was the only response I could handle at the time. My husband and I sat in complete shock and then...the other tower fell and we both started crying. We had just watched emergency workers head into those buildings. We both knew that no one was going to survive that.
I remember the phone calls that day as everyone was trying to understand what was happening. One of my friends called to ask me whether she should go get her daughters out of school. My husband's work called to say they had closed his site just to be safe. They NEVER do that.
I remember sitting watching the t.v. all day feeling numb. My oldest daughter watched with me until I realized how young she was and that she shouldn't be watching as they replayed the plane crashing footage. She was not quite 4 years old. I never let her watch violence on t.v. but it just didn't occur to me. I couldn't comprehend what was going on. I remember her asking me if a plane was going to crash here, or if it would hit Nana and Papa's house, or daddy's work. She kept asking this for weeks terrified that every time daddy went to work he might not come home. She was young but the terrorists did their job.
I remember the gas hikes, people taking advantage of our fear. We were one of those who needed gas that night as we tried to go on with our lives and keep everything as normal as possible for our kids. Luckily my husband was able to find gas at a normal price but I remember the signs for $5 a gallon and the lines as people raced to get it.
I also remember complete strangers coming together and helping each other. Seeing the flags being flown at every house. Hugs from people I had never met and will probably never see again. We made it through that day and the weeks that followed.
My brother joined the army that year like so many other young men. I remember the fear I felt for him as he left for boot camp. The relief every time I see him, even now, knowing he is alright. I am so proud of him. I don't tell him that enough. I will try to do better.
My daughters don't remember much from that day. The younger two were too young and my oldest only has vague memories and I don't know how many are truly from that day or just from things she has seen or read since.
We have now made it nine years but when I see the footage from that day or read first-hand accounts about it, it all comes flooding back. Every time. Life has moved on but we should never forget.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Frustration!
I am so irritated with life right now. I thought things (grief) were getting better but then something happens that throws me right back into it.
My brother's entire apartment arrived a month ago. I am SLOWLY going through it. The packers, in their infinite wisdom, labeled all the boxes. Great idea right? Yeah. Not so much. Most of the boxes that I have picked to try to sort have been labeled papers, dvd's, cd's, thinking they won't be too emotionally difficult to open. WRONG!
I opened the first box and what do I find? Not dvd's like I thought (I think there were maybe 5 dvd's in there, to be fair) but a stack of get well soon letters from a high school addressed to my brother. Tears, tears, and more tears! Even writing this has me in tears as I think of those students and wonder if anyone told them he passed away. They were sweet and funny and you could tell everyone of those kids hoped he would get better.
My wonderful in laws have been trying to help as much as possible. No matter how much they may annoy me at times they have been there for me when I needed them. Be it picking up my sick kiddos from camp for me when I couldn't get there with it being 5-6 hours away to driving 4 hours to see if they can get my brothers bike running and letting me know how much it's even worth. To a father in law who will drop everything the minute I call him for the smallest things. Not sure I would be doing as good as I am without them.
Frustration stems from my Mother.
She moved away which is WONDERFUL! But left me to deal with selling her house here and dealing with the moving company and pretty much everything else. It feels like my childhood all over again.
I am tired. SO tired. I have my life to deal with plus hers plus Matt's. I truly feel at the end of my rope and slipping fast.
I just want it to all be done. I would love to be able to just focus on my kids and their schooling. Go on field trips and participate in our co-op. Finish scrapbooking our vacation. Breathe.
We are going to Texas in a couple weeks to visit my grandmother. She'll be 94 this year and I don't think I can take another death where I don't get to say good bye. I haven't seen her since my grandfather's funeral and I need to see her before the inevitable happens.
So I started writing this post last Thursday on the 28th. I got interrupted and had to come back later to finish. What I realized during the break was that it had been EXACTLY 6 months since Matt's death. I don't know if this is contributing to the grief that has flooded back but if I had to guess I would say probably.
I miss him every day. I just want to wake up from this bad dream now.
My brother's entire apartment arrived a month ago. I am SLOWLY going through it. The packers, in their infinite wisdom, labeled all the boxes. Great idea right? Yeah. Not so much. Most of the boxes that I have picked to try to sort have been labeled papers, dvd's, cd's, thinking they won't be too emotionally difficult to open. WRONG!
I opened the first box and what do I find? Not dvd's like I thought (I think there were maybe 5 dvd's in there, to be fair) but a stack of get well soon letters from a high school addressed to my brother. Tears, tears, and more tears! Even writing this has me in tears as I think of those students and wonder if anyone told them he passed away. They were sweet and funny and you could tell everyone of those kids hoped he would get better.
My wonderful in laws have been trying to help as much as possible. No matter how much they may annoy me at times they have been there for me when I needed them. Be it picking up my sick kiddos from camp for me when I couldn't get there with it being 5-6 hours away to driving 4 hours to see if they can get my brothers bike running and letting me know how much it's even worth. To a father in law who will drop everything the minute I call him for the smallest things. Not sure I would be doing as good as I am without them.
Frustration stems from my Mother.
She moved away which is WONDERFUL! But left me to deal with selling her house here and dealing with the moving company and pretty much everything else. It feels like my childhood all over again.
I am tired. SO tired. I have my life to deal with plus hers plus Matt's. I truly feel at the end of my rope and slipping fast.
I just want it to all be done. I would love to be able to just focus on my kids and their schooling. Go on field trips and participate in our co-op. Finish scrapbooking our vacation. Breathe.
We are going to Texas in a couple weeks to visit my grandmother. She'll be 94 this year and I don't think I can take another death where I don't get to say good bye. I haven't seen her since my grandfather's funeral and I need to see her before the inevitable happens.
So I started writing this post last Thursday on the 28th. I got interrupted and had to come back later to finish. What I realized during the break was that it had been EXACTLY 6 months since Matt's death. I don't know if this is contributing to the grief that has flooded back but if I had to guess I would say probably.
I miss him every day. I just want to wake up from this bad dream now.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Exercise Success!!
Finally!
I just finished running/walking for 30 minutes. Go me!
My birthday is coming up next week and as my gift my husband purchased me a treadmill. Looking at that sentence you might think he was trying to tell me something ;) but it was what I requested. I got it on Friday and we set it up that night but then I developed an icky bug and it put me down for 2 days so today was the first time I felt up to even trying it out.
It it pretty nifty. I did one of the programmed weight loss exercises. I chose the smallest one knowing I hadn't really done any strenuous work outs since before my brother passed away. Was I able to stay at the rate it wanted me to? No. Was I able to go the full 30 minutes? Yes.
It wanted me to run for a minute and then walk for a minute, which I did do for most of the time. I think I turned the speed down on the running once to the point where I was walking and then when the running went to a much higher speed I had to take it back down to where I was. Not too bad considering everything.
I ended up doing a distance of 1.83 miles. According to my readout I burned 254 calories (which I know is a base line and not MY true amount but still a good indicator). If I had done it exactly as they said I would have burned 300 calories. Again I am not sad about this. Anything is better than nothing.
I have lost about 21 pounds since the beginning of the year. The past 2 weeks have sort of been a plateau with not much loss but also no real attempt by me.
My sister-in-law is preparing for a 5k soon and my hope is that eventually I can join her. I have never been a runner and I do have asthma but I figure she has it too and if I can build up a little at a time I can make it.
So on a positive note this week I have some success! :)
I just finished running/walking for 30 minutes. Go me!
My birthday is coming up next week and as my gift my husband purchased me a treadmill. Looking at that sentence you might think he was trying to tell me something ;) but it was what I requested. I got it on Friday and we set it up that night but then I developed an icky bug and it put me down for 2 days so today was the first time I felt up to even trying it out.
It it pretty nifty. I did one of the programmed weight loss exercises. I chose the smallest one knowing I hadn't really done any strenuous work outs since before my brother passed away. Was I able to stay at the rate it wanted me to? No. Was I able to go the full 30 minutes? Yes.
It wanted me to run for a minute and then walk for a minute, which I did do for most of the time. I think I turned the speed down on the running once to the point where I was walking and then when the running went to a much higher speed I had to take it back down to where I was. Not too bad considering everything.
I ended up doing a distance of 1.83 miles. According to my readout I burned 254 calories (which I know is a base line and not MY true amount but still a good indicator). If I had done it exactly as they said I would have burned 300 calories. Again I am not sad about this. Anything is better than nothing.
I have lost about 21 pounds since the beginning of the year. The past 2 weeks have sort of been a plateau with not much loss but also no real attempt by me.
My sister-in-law is preparing for a 5k soon and my hope is that eventually I can join her. I have never been a runner and I do have asthma but I figure she has it too and if I can build up a little at a time I can make it.
So on a positive note this week I have some success! :)
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Crushing Grief
I have not been in a good place for the last 24 hours.
My own head.
Can I get out now?
I really hate this. I can't even begin to tell you how much I hate it.
Friends and old girlfriends of my brother keep messaging me and telling me how much I meant to him. How much he talked about me and would brag about me. Thanks. I want to know this but then I don't. I feel like I wasn't a great sister. I should have been more involved. Should have called him more. Should have written more letters or emails. Should have should have should have.
We were closer than we had ever been but it wasn't close enough. I pray that my daughters keep close to each other as they grow. They will need each other and I know that it is hard to see that as you go about life.
People who know me know that I am not a crying person. I don't like to cry and definitely not in front of people but, dear lord, I have been crying alot.
I know it is to be expected and that it is good and cleansing and healthy and and and....
Yeah, everyone has been telling me that. If another person tells me that I may scream.
I don't want to be around people. They irritate me. Little things that have never really bothered me before (or perhaps they did but I was better able to deal with it) are driving me nuts right now. I have to bite my tongue and just take DEEP breaths.
The vultures have come out of the wood work. Matt's landlord wants new carpet and threatened me. My way ward half brother, who my mother gave up for adoption and I have met 3 times, is looking for money. Matt's ex-wife claims he owed her money from their divorce. GAHHHHH!!!! Leave me ALONE!
I am tired. Right after he died my sleep habits were changed, as in no sleep. Then as time went on it corrected itself and I was actually getting to sleep at decent times and waking up at a reasonable time. Now? Not so much. I think I was able to finally fall asleep at about 4 am and I woke up around 10:30. My poor kids have basically been schooling themselves for the last couple days. I want to snap out of this and go back to normal.
That anger at my mom? Still here and probably more so. When this is all said and done I will most likely have nothing more to do with her.
Ironic how just as I was writing this she called me and just made it more clear in my head how done with her I am.
My dad on the other hand, I have become much closer to. He calls me at least once a week instead of the once a month we had been at. A good amount of are conversations about Matt and the things that still need to be done but we do talk about our lives and are keeping each other more up to date about what is going on.
Most days I am looking forward to our trip (30 days!) but then grief hits me and I feel guilty about going or angry because he's not. I am truly hoping I can just let everything go for 10 days and enjoy our vacation. We had all been looking forward to this and now the girls are still excited but I am just not always there.
I am so scattered and annoyed. Even this post is annoying me. I hate that I am all over the place and not really making sense. I would so much rather be posting a humor blog than what this has become. When I started writing I was hoping to just write about my life with my kids and my weight loss trials but this has turned into a grief blog.
Which maybe it will help someone else. Maybe there is someone out there looking for someone else going through the same thing...I am trying to look on the bright side. Not that losing someone is ever good but if me getting all this craziness out could help someone else than it MIGHT make it a little better.
My own head.
Can I get out now?
I really hate this. I can't even begin to tell you how much I hate it.
Friends and old girlfriends of my brother keep messaging me and telling me how much I meant to him. How much he talked about me and would brag about me. Thanks. I want to know this but then I don't. I feel like I wasn't a great sister. I should have been more involved. Should have called him more. Should have written more letters or emails. Should have should have should have.
We were closer than we had ever been but it wasn't close enough. I pray that my daughters keep close to each other as they grow. They will need each other and I know that it is hard to see that as you go about life.
People who know me know that I am not a crying person. I don't like to cry and definitely not in front of people but, dear lord, I have been crying alot.
I know it is to be expected and that it is good and cleansing and healthy and and and....
Yeah, everyone has been telling me that. If another person tells me that I may scream.
I don't want to be around people. They irritate me. Little things that have never really bothered me before (or perhaps they did but I was better able to deal with it) are driving me nuts right now. I have to bite my tongue and just take DEEP breaths.
The vultures have come out of the wood work. Matt's landlord wants new carpet and threatened me. My way ward half brother, who my mother gave up for adoption and I have met 3 times, is looking for money. Matt's ex-wife claims he owed her money from their divorce. GAHHHHH!!!! Leave me ALONE!
I am tired. Right after he died my sleep habits were changed, as in no sleep. Then as time went on it corrected itself and I was actually getting to sleep at decent times and waking up at a reasonable time. Now? Not so much. I think I was able to finally fall asleep at about 4 am and I woke up around 10:30. My poor kids have basically been schooling themselves for the last couple days. I want to snap out of this and go back to normal.
That anger at my mom? Still here and probably more so. When this is all said and done I will most likely have nothing more to do with her.
Ironic how just as I was writing this she called me and just made it more clear in my head how done with her I am.
My dad on the other hand, I have become much closer to. He calls me at least once a week instead of the once a month we had been at. A good amount of are conversations about Matt and the things that still need to be done but we do talk about our lives and are keeping each other more up to date about what is going on.
Most days I am looking forward to our trip (30 days!) but then grief hits me and I feel guilty about going or angry because he's not. I am truly hoping I can just let everything go for 10 days and enjoy our vacation. We had all been looking forward to this and now the girls are still excited but I am just not always there.
I am so scattered and annoyed. Even this post is annoying me. I hate that I am all over the place and not really making sense. I would so much rather be posting a humor blog than what this has become. When I started writing I was hoping to just write about my life with my kids and my weight loss trials but this has turned into a grief blog.
Which maybe it will help someone else. Maybe there is someone out there looking for someone else going through the same thing...I am trying to look on the bright side. Not that losing someone is ever good but if me getting all this craziness out could help someone else than it MIGHT make it a little better.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Surprise!!
I am super excited!! After all the pain and horribleness of the last month I finally have something that is truly making me happy!
I have a HUGE surprise for my girls! GIANT, ENORMOUS, GINORMOUS even!
We are taking a trip to Disney World in April. My girls know this part already as we have been planning and saving up for it for 2 years. They knew why we didn't always get to go out to eat or why we didn't go see a lot of movies at the movie theater. They are counting down the days.
There was one small thing that my girls REALLY REALLY wanted to do while we were in Florida.
Swim with dolphins.
Unfortunately when I looked up the pricing there was just no way we could budget that. So the girls had accepted it and knew we were going to have a great time spending 4 days going to all the Disney parks.
We had been planning to do this trip with my brother before he died. He was going to drive down from North Carolina and stay at the hotel with us. He had been planning on taking Bri to Universal Studios one of the days we were there. Just the 2 of them. All of us were looking forward to spending a week with him before he was deployed again to the Middle East.
His death had put a damper on my excitement to go. I was starting to dread going and there is still that part of me that thinks I will be an emotional wreck while we are there. I am hoping that the surprise I have for the girls will help me through this.
We received an amount of money from brother's death and we have decided to use a part of it to take the girls to Discovery Cove and swim with the dolphins :)
It will be something they will never forget and hopefully something they can think fondly of Uncle Matt for. I know for me being able to give them this is making me feel lighter, less like Atlas, with the weight of the world on my shoulders.
So Friday during our vacation we will be swimming with dolphins, snorkeling, feeding birds, and hanging out at the secluded beaches. Also included in our tickets are unlimited 14 day passes to SeaWorld which was somewhere else my girls wanted to go but I just couldn't figure out how to squeeze out any more money.
We are keeping it a surprise and not telling them about it. So if you talk to my girls please don't say anything to them and pray for no tropical storms...
I truly cannot wait for this vacation. Even though I know I will be so exhausted from our week that I will need a vacation when we get home ;)
I have a HUGE surprise for my girls! GIANT, ENORMOUS, GINORMOUS even!
We are taking a trip to Disney World in April. My girls know this part already as we have been planning and saving up for it for 2 years. They knew why we didn't always get to go out to eat or why we didn't go see a lot of movies at the movie theater. They are counting down the days.
There was one small thing that my girls REALLY REALLY wanted to do while we were in Florida.
Swim with dolphins.
Unfortunately when I looked up the pricing there was just no way we could budget that. So the girls had accepted it and knew we were going to have a great time spending 4 days going to all the Disney parks.
We had been planning to do this trip with my brother before he died. He was going to drive down from North Carolina and stay at the hotel with us. He had been planning on taking Bri to Universal Studios one of the days we were there. Just the 2 of them. All of us were looking forward to spending a week with him before he was deployed again to the Middle East.
His death had put a damper on my excitement to go. I was starting to dread going and there is still that part of me that thinks I will be an emotional wreck while we are there. I am hoping that the surprise I have for the girls will help me through this.
We received an amount of money from brother's death and we have decided to use a part of it to take the girls to Discovery Cove and swim with the dolphins :)
It will be something they will never forget and hopefully something they can think fondly of Uncle Matt for. I know for me being able to give them this is making me feel lighter, less like Atlas, with the weight of the world on my shoulders.
So Friday during our vacation we will be swimming with dolphins, snorkeling, feeding birds, and hanging out at the secluded beaches. Also included in our tickets are unlimited 14 day passes to SeaWorld which was somewhere else my girls wanted to go but I just couldn't figure out how to squeeze out any more money.
We are keeping it a surprise and not telling them about it. So if you talk to my girls please don't say anything to them and pray for no tropical storms...
I truly cannot wait for this vacation. Even though I know I will be so exhausted from our week that I will need a vacation when we get home ;)
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Weight Loss Wednesday - Grief
Haven't checked in with my weight loss in a couple weeks. Had to go back and read my previous blogs just so I could remember where I was at with my weight loss to see how much I have actually lost.
I had lost a total of 8 and 1/2 pounds before my brother's death.
Now for the new update. In the 3 weeks since my last post I have lost another 9 pounds. Normally I would be thrilled with this but I know a lot of the loss is from grief and stress. Not anything I have been doing on purpose. I haven't kept track of any calories. I haven't exercised. I have done nothing for my goals.
It was a crazy experience though. After Matt died and it occurred to me that I would need to wear something to all the services I went to my closet to find something. Yeah, nothing fit. In fact the outfit I was planning on wearing, a nice suit, made me look like Shamu. No joke. It literally hung on me. So needless to say a shopping trip was in order. My wonderful sister-in-law came to my rescue for the Army service. We had a blizzard that day and instead of having to drive to different stores to find clothes she went through her closet and found me some outfits. Then she and my mother-in-law helped us by taking us shopping on the following Saturday.
I am now in a size that I haven't seen since before my 3rd child was born. I do need to go get some new jeans since the few that I had are 2 sizes bigger than what I am now. They fall off my hips now.
So grand totals so far. Lost 2 sizes and have lost 17 1/2 pounds. Interesting that when I look at the numbers they seem huge but when I look in the mirror I don't see much difference.
Now that things have settled a little I hope to get back to actually tracking my calories again and working on exercising so I can lose the weight in a much more healthy way. My appetite has returned to a more normal size. I can see some changes in that I definitely get full much easier. This is going to make hitting my calorie goals that much harder. I had worked myself up to it before so I know I can do it again.
So little goals for this week - count my calories again and attempt exercise for 20 min 3 times this week.
I had lost a total of 8 and 1/2 pounds before my brother's death.
Now for the new update. In the 3 weeks since my last post I have lost another 9 pounds. Normally I would be thrilled with this but I know a lot of the loss is from grief and stress. Not anything I have been doing on purpose. I haven't kept track of any calories. I haven't exercised. I have done nothing for my goals.
It was a crazy experience though. After Matt died and it occurred to me that I would need to wear something to all the services I went to my closet to find something. Yeah, nothing fit. In fact the outfit I was planning on wearing, a nice suit, made me look like Shamu. No joke. It literally hung on me. So needless to say a shopping trip was in order. My wonderful sister-in-law came to my rescue for the Army service. We had a blizzard that day and instead of having to drive to different stores to find clothes she went through her closet and found me some outfits. Then she and my mother-in-law helped us by taking us shopping on the following Saturday.
I am now in a size that I haven't seen since before my 3rd child was born. I do need to go get some new jeans since the few that I had are 2 sizes bigger than what I am now. They fall off my hips now.
So grand totals so far. Lost 2 sizes and have lost 17 1/2 pounds. Interesting that when I look at the numbers they seem huge but when I look in the mirror I don't see much difference.
Now that things have settled a little I hope to get back to actually tracking my calories again and working on exercising so I can lose the weight in a much more healthy way. My appetite has returned to a more normal size. I can see some changes in that I definitely get full much easier. This is going to make hitting my calorie goals that much harder. I had worked myself up to it before so I know I can do it again.
So little goals for this week - count my calories again and attempt exercise for 20 min 3 times this week.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Anger, Resentment, and a Singing Dog
I miss my brother. It's been a week since his funeral and although each day does get a little easier the thought that I will never see him again still tears at me with the same amount of pain. Not sure if that will ever go away.
Happy thoughts first. My brother's dog Eleanora has come to live with us. My girls are loving having her here. I love having that small living connection to my brother. I do not love that she is not fully potty trained :/
My brother had discovered that she sings. Only one song and only during the chorus does she do this. When you play Wild Horses by The Sundays Eleanora will howl. Not sure what it is about this song but it's true. So today during school I pulled up the song and got her going. The girls were laughing but I had to stop after the first time because you could tell Eleanora was getting upset and was looking around for my brother.
It's cute but I am not sure how often I can do that to her and to myself.
Anger.
I has it.
I am so angry at my mother. Not even sure anger covers the range of emotion I feel when I talk about her.
Disgust, embarrassment, rage, annoyance, resentment.
Some of it comes from the fact that she has NEVER hugged me during any of this. Really that's all I want and need. I need my mother's comfort. I as a mother have given it to my daughters and I know it has helped them. When I could see them start to fall apart I immediately went to them and hugged them. Showed them I loved them and supported them. The only time I didn't was at the funeral Bri read a poem and had a hard time getting through it. I stood up ready to go to her but I knew she wouldn't want me to comfort her in front of all those people. She is very private in her grief.
I know that my mother is hurting and the thought of losing one of my own children hurts horribly. I have hugged her and tried to give her support and comfort but hugging is a two way street. Sometimes you give a hug and sometimes you get a hug.
She has curled into a ball and I have hugged her, I have held her hand, and I have spoken what comforting words I can. I don't want to sound like I am whining because MANY people have come to comfort me. I have had a LOT of hugs (which if you know me you know I don't do much hugging) but there is something about a mother's hug that is special. It heals many things. That's all I want.
Resentment.
I have to say I resent my mom for being so weak. Again I know she lost her child but some times you have to suck it up and deal with things. During the entire planning I wanted her advice on things. I would call and ask for her opinion on the service or should we do this or that. Her response was always the same. I can't think I can't decide!
BUT then she would turn around and tell people I was not letting her help. That I was keeping her out of the loop. GRRRR!!!!! There are times I truly hate her. When she dies I am not certain I will feel this broken up about it.
She has put me through hell.
Two days after the funeral when I was dealing with Matt's bills, going back to work, a child who was vomiting, and all the other things of life, my mother decides she needs attention and threatens suicide. As if I didn't have enough on my plate as it is. Thankfully my father was still in town and was able to help with her but she made me so mad! While she was on the phone telling me that she was going to kill herself I said I couldn't deal with this and she informed me that I couldn't deal with anything. !!!What?!?! I went off on her. I was so ticked that she would DARE tell me that.
She ended up hanging up on me.
Don't blame her so much for that. I was telling her things she didn't want to hear.
Do you want to know the real kicker though? The real reason that she was threatening that?
She needed a ride.
It makes me sick.
Sorry for the rambling. I keep thinking it will get better but not so much. My thoughts are in such a jumble.
Happy thoughts first. My brother's dog Eleanora has come to live with us. My girls are loving having her here. I love having that small living connection to my brother. I do not love that she is not fully potty trained :/
My brother had discovered that she sings. Only one song and only during the chorus does she do this. When you play Wild Horses by The Sundays Eleanora will howl. Not sure what it is about this song but it's true. So today during school I pulled up the song and got her going. The girls were laughing but I had to stop after the first time because you could tell Eleanora was getting upset and was looking around for my brother.
It's cute but I am not sure how often I can do that to her and to myself.
Anger.
I has it.
I am so angry at my mother. Not even sure anger covers the range of emotion I feel when I talk about her.
Disgust, embarrassment, rage, annoyance, resentment.
Some of it comes from the fact that she has NEVER hugged me during any of this. Really that's all I want and need. I need my mother's comfort. I as a mother have given it to my daughters and I know it has helped them. When I could see them start to fall apart I immediately went to them and hugged them. Showed them I loved them and supported them. The only time I didn't was at the funeral Bri read a poem and had a hard time getting through it. I stood up ready to go to her but I knew she wouldn't want me to comfort her in front of all those people. She is very private in her grief.
I know that my mother is hurting and the thought of losing one of my own children hurts horribly. I have hugged her and tried to give her support and comfort but hugging is a two way street. Sometimes you give a hug and sometimes you get a hug.
She has curled into a ball and I have hugged her, I have held her hand, and I have spoken what comforting words I can. I don't want to sound like I am whining because MANY people have come to comfort me. I have had a LOT of hugs (which if you know me you know I don't do much hugging) but there is something about a mother's hug that is special. It heals many things. That's all I want.
Resentment.
I have to say I resent my mom for being so weak. Again I know she lost her child but some times you have to suck it up and deal with things. During the entire planning I wanted her advice on things. I would call and ask for her opinion on the service or should we do this or that. Her response was always the same. I can't think I can't decide!
BUT then she would turn around and tell people I was not letting her help. That I was keeping her out of the loop. GRRRR!!!!! There are times I truly hate her. When she dies I am not certain I will feel this broken up about it.
She has put me through hell.
Two days after the funeral when I was dealing with Matt's bills, going back to work, a child who was vomiting, and all the other things of life, my mother decides she needs attention and threatens suicide. As if I didn't have enough on my plate as it is. Thankfully my father was still in town and was able to help with her but she made me so mad! While she was on the phone telling me that she was going to kill herself I said I couldn't deal with this and she informed me that I couldn't deal with anything. !!!What?!?! I went off on her. I was so ticked that she would DARE tell me that.
She ended up hanging up on me.
Don't blame her so much for that. I was telling her things she didn't want to hear.
Do you want to know the real kicker though? The real reason that she was threatening that?
She needed a ride.
It makes me sick.
Sorry for the rambling. I keep thinking it will get better but not so much. My thoughts are in such a jumble.
Monday, February 7, 2011
New Journey - New "Normal"
Buried my brother today.
Guess we go back to "normal" today.
Not sure what that means anymore. My life has a new "normal" now. Normal means I am an only child. Normal means no more laughing with my big brother about the crazy that is our mom. Normal means no more giant squeezing hugs from my teddy bear of a brother.
I am so tired.
Grief does funny things to your body. I never knew that. I studied the stages of grief in psychology classes in high school but I don't remember learning that it does physical things to your body.
Since last Friday when I found out Matt had died I haven't been able to eat right. I already had issues with food before this all started but since then I don't think I have eaten a full plate of food. When I do eat my stomach is so twisted in knots that the food doesn't stay long in my body.
Sleep is hard to come by also. I have had to resort to using a sleep aid to fall asleep most nights. Tonight I am going to try to go without it. I am hoping since I have had such a busy day maybe I can drift off tonight. Most nights my body is exhausted but my brain gets worked up as soon as I close my eyes. Memories start pouring in and the waves of sadness pile up and overwhelm me.
Headaches have also become very "normal" to me. I have suffered from migraines since I was 17 but normally they come quickly and then fade away within a day. I think I have had this headache (not really a migraine) since I found out.
Truly hoping I can write about my anger and resentments tomorrow. I need to get those thoughts out but I want to try and get some sleep before dealing with all that emotion.
Suffice it to say I made it through the hardest day of my entire life.
Guess we go back to "normal" today.
Not sure what that means anymore. My life has a new "normal" now. Normal means I am an only child. Normal means no more laughing with my big brother about the crazy that is our mom. Normal means no more giant squeezing hugs from my teddy bear of a brother.
I am so tired.
Grief does funny things to your body. I never knew that. I studied the stages of grief in psychology classes in high school but I don't remember learning that it does physical things to your body.
Since last Friday when I found out Matt had died I haven't been able to eat right. I already had issues with food before this all started but since then I don't think I have eaten a full plate of food. When I do eat my stomach is so twisted in knots that the food doesn't stay long in my body.
Sleep is hard to come by also. I have had to resort to using a sleep aid to fall asleep most nights. Tonight I am going to try to go without it. I am hoping since I have had such a busy day maybe I can drift off tonight. Most nights my body is exhausted but my brain gets worked up as soon as I close my eyes. Memories start pouring in and the waves of sadness pile up and overwhelm me.
Headaches have also become very "normal" to me. I have suffered from migraines since I was 17 but normally they come quickly and then fade away within a day. I think I have had this headache (not really a migraine) since I found out.
Truly hoping I can write about my anger and resentments tomorrow. I need to get those thoughts out but I want to try and get some sleep before dealing with all that emotion.
Suffice it to say I made it through the hardest day of my entire life.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Plane-Side
Made it through the visitation tonight. It went really well I guess. Not sure what to expect from a visitation. Had a good turn out I guess. Considering it was Super Bowl night.
People came, talked, looked at pictures, and saw my brother.
My mother didn't come.
Not what I wanted to talk about tonight though.
Tonight I want to write about the plane-side honor.
On Friday my brother came home for the final time. I have to say it's really difficult to type that. I thought I was all cried out tonight but I guess I was wrong.
When we arrived at the airport we met with the honor guard at the base of the control tower. We waited for security to come and check our vehicles for bombs. My daughters thought that was pretty cool to see the german shepherd dog checking out the cars. After they decided we were ok we all got back into our cars and followed the police officer to the tarmac.
Once we arrived there we were directed where to park and we got out and stood by the car. The plane landed and pulled up to the terminal. It was freezing and loud! That was all my brain could think at that moment. How cold it was.
Once the plane had parked I was so thankful that the sun was behind the plane so I couldn't see the faces of the passengers on the plane. My grief at knowing my brother was in a casket lying in the cargo hold was open for everyone to see. I think if I had been able to see them staring at me might have put me over the edge.
Once the cargo hold was opened two soldiers climbed in. We waited as they prepared the casket and draped it with the American flag. The honor guard had lined up at the end of the hearse and marched to the end of the ramp that was hooked onto the plane. They waited while the soldiers inside the cargo bay finished their preparations. Once my brother's casket was ready they lowered it down the ramp and the honor guard picked it up. They carried it slowly to the hearse and placed it inside. Once it was secure the honor guard turned and marched past my family. The tears on the faces of these men and women who had never met my brother or my family touched me like nothing else. Seeing the airport employees bowing their heads and placing their hands upon their hearts was such an honor. My brother deserved it. He truly was a hero.
The honor guard climbed into their van and we got back in our car. We followed the hearse all the way back to the funeral home and they prepared my brother to be seen. Again we had an honor guard with us. The army truly has been with us every step of the way. You can see how much they care for their fallen comrades.
I have pictures of the ceremony and if I ever figure out how to add photos I will put some up. I am very thankful that my father in law came and took pictures because with the tears I missed alot of what happened.
People came, talked, looked at pictures, and saw my brother.
My mother didn't come.
Not what I wanted to talk about tonight though.
Tonight I want to write about the plane-side honor.
On Friday my brother came home for the final time. I have to say it's really difficult to type that. I thought I was all cried out tonight but I guess I was wrong.
When we arrived at the airport we met with the honor guard at the base of the control tower. We waited for security to come and check our vehicles for bombs. My daughters thought that was pretty cool to see the german shepherd dog checking out the cars. After they decided we were ok we all got back into our cars and followed the police officer to the tarmac.
Once we arrived there we were directed where to park and we got out and stood by the car. The plane landed and pulled up to the terminal. It was freezing and loud! That was all my brain could think at that moment. How cold it was.
Once the plane had parked I was so thankful that the sun was behind the plane so I couldn't see the faces of the passengers on the plane. My grief at knowing my brother was in a casket lying in the cargo hold was open for everyone to see. I think if I had been able to see them staring at me might have put me over the edge.
Once the cargo hold was opened two soldiers climbed in. We waited as they prepared the casket and draped it with the American flag. The honor guard had lined up at the end of the hearse and marched to the end of the ramp that was hooked onto the plane. They waited while the soldiers inside the cargo bay finished their preparations. Once my brother's casket was ready they lowered it down the ramp and the honor guard picked it up. They carried it slowly to the hearse and placed it inside. Once it was secure the honor guard turned and marched past my family. The tears on the faces of these men and women who had never met my brother or my family touched me like nothing else. Seeing the airport employees bowing their heads and placing their hands upon their hearts was such an honor. My brother deserved it. He truly was a hero.
The honor guard climbed into their van and we got back in our car. We followed the hearse all the way back to the funeral home and they prepared my brother to be seen. Again we had an honor guard with us. The army truly has been with us every step of the way. You can see how much they care for their fallen comrades.
I have pictures of the ceremony and if I ever figure out how to add photos I will put some up. I am very thankful that my father in law came and took pictures because with the tears I missed alot of what happened.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Getting ready
Tomorrow begins the long days of Visitation and Funeral.
It's been a long week of trying to get things planned and thought out. I never realized how much went into planning a funeral before and I truly hope I never have to do this again.
The pain is still there although I am learning to push through. Choosing his grave site was both easier than I thought and harder. It was easier because when they showed us the area I knew exactly where it should be. It was harder because the thought of my beautiful and bright brother lying there forever is breaking my heart. I picked a spot that would be easy for my mom to go visit him and that was in a nice spot. I am thinking about her in all my decisions.
Her sisters have come to realize that and everyone of them has apologized to me for treating me so badly at first. They have also informed that they now realize how crazy she truly is and that they have only been hearing her side of the story for all these years. The thing is I have tried to talk to them about this before but I do try my hardest not to talk bad about my mom. Needless to say they are supporting me now. The sad thing is it's too late for my brother.
I am trying to figure out what to put on the tables tomorrow and I have had to go through pictures. It was pulling at my gut to see him and think that I will never actually touch him or talk to him again. I know this post is all over the place and it took a totally different turn than I thought it would go. When I started out I was planning on writing about how wonderful the Army has been. They truly have been.
I went to North Carolina to the base he was stationed at. They had a memorial service for him and it was amazing. They recorded the whole thing and I am so happy because at the time I was listening to everything but now it's hard to remember everything that was said. The one thing that about sent me over though was the Roll Call. I am so glad that our escorts warned us about it. Basically towards the end of the service they have everyone stand up and from the back of the room they start calling out soldiers. After their names are called they answer. They said about 5 names then they called Sargent Miller...silence. Sargent Matthew Miller...still silence. Staff Sargent Matthew Norris Miller...nothing. All you hear are the tears falling from everyone in the room. It was powerful and painful.
However hard that was I know that tomorrow and Monday will be unbelievably worse. Hopefully I can write more about the visit to the base and the plane-side where they brought him home. I don't want to forget how I feel so I am trying as best as I can to write it all out but I can only do so much each time before it gets too hard.
It's been a long week of trying to get things planned and thought out. I never realized how much went into planning a funeral before and I truly hope I never have to do this again.
The pain is still there although I am learning to push through. Choosing his grave site was both easier than I thought and harder. It was easier because when they showed us the area I knew exactly where it should be. It was harder because the thought of my beautiful and bright brother lying there forever is breaking my heart. I picked a spot that would be easy for my mom to go visit him and that was in a nice spot. I am thinking about her in all my decisions.
Her sisters have come to realize that and everyone of them has apologized to me for treating me so badly at first. They have also informed that they now realize how crazy she truly is and that they have only been hearing her side of the story for all these years. The thing is I have tried to talk to them about this before but I do try my hardest not to talk bad about my mom. Needless to say they are supporting me now. The sad thing is it's too late for my brother.
I am trying to figure out what to put on the tables tomorrow and I have had to go through pictures. It was pulling at my gut to see him and think that I will never actually touch him or talk to him again. I know this post is all over the place and it took a totally different turn than I thought it would go. When I started out I was planning on writing about how wonderful the Army has been. They truly have been.
I went to North Carolina to the base he was stationed at. They had a memorial service for him and it was amazing. They recorded the whole thing and I am so happy because at the time I was listening to everything but now it's hard to remember everything that was said. The one thing that about sent me over though was the Roll Call. I am so glad that our escorts warned us about it. Basically towards the end of the service they have everyone stand up and from the back of the room they start calling out soldiers. After their names are called they answer. They said about 5 names then they called Sargent Miller...silence. Sargent Matthew Miller...still silence. Staff Sargent Matthew Norris Miller...nothing. All you hear are the tears falling from everyone in the room. It was powerful and painful.
However hard that was I know that tomorrow and Monday will be unbelievably worse. Hopefully I can write more about the visit to the base and the plane-side where they brought him home. I don't want to forget how I feel so I am trying as best as I can to write it all out but I can only do so much each time before it gets too hard.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Pain...and more pain...
My brother died. My brother died. My brother died.
No matter how many times I have said it in the past 3 days it doesn't get easier to say.
I have NEVER experienced as much pain as I am feeling right now in my life. I have given birth 3 times and this is a hundred times worse.
When my brother enlisted in the military the thought that he might die was there. When he was deployed first to Iraq and then again to Afghanistan the thought that he might die was there. But when he came home after a horrific helicopter accident and he had survived the thought had gone away. He was on home soil being taken care of by the army. No longer in danger of being shot by "the enemy". He was safe.
I was wrong. Not a year later he was in a head on collision. Again though, he survived, and the thought came quickly that he could die but again it went away. He was fine. A little broken but fine. He was healing.
So when the call came Friday evening...I was blindsided.
Found dead in his apartment. Gone. No warning. Nothing.
The shock has worn off but the crushing grief has set in. Not only am I dealing with the death of my only sibling but I have 3 daughters who have lost a special uncle who they thought of as a hero and talked of often. They made up stories about their soldier uncle and the good things he did for his country. Not only am I dealing with that but I am dealing with my mother. Who is grieving her child, yes, but is also disabled. My mother is crazy. No, that is not her disability, that is just her personality. She raises my stress level on a normal day to too high. So imagine how high my stress level is now.
I am trying to plan his services and I have no idea what I am doing. My mother doesn't want a "Christian" service because she is under the impression that he was a Buddhist. Whatever. I am trying to honor her wishes but still make it a memorable service. My father and I both would like scriptures and prayers but again my mother is against these things. Sigh.
My mother's side of the family seems to have forgotten that I lost my brother because they want me at my mother's beck and call. They don't seem to remember that I am also grieving. Again I know it is different. She lost a child and I lost a brother. If I lost one of my daughters I would be devastated but you know what? I am devastated now.
I am not a person who has ever cried alot in my life and right now I can't get through 2 hours without breaking into tears. Sometimes they are racking sobs and others like now they are silent tears (that I think actually hurt more). This is truly better than it was. I am finding the strength to get through this and I know it will take a long time and that the tears will be close to the surface for awhile.
My brother and I had a tumultuous relationship as kids. We fought alot but as we grew older we had become very close. I talked (texted) with him at least once a week and we were planning a family vacation to DisneyWorld together. Unfortunately this month had been a busy one for both of us and I hadn't actually spoken to him since Christmas. I am so angry with myself for not picking up the phone and taking the time. I wish that I had jumped in my van at Christmas time and driven down to Texas and spent that time with my whole family.
I know this was convoluted and rambling but it was thoughts I needed to get out. Hopefully I can actually write a post about how great my brother was. Not yet though. Even though he was.
I love you Matt and I will miss you for the rest of my life.
Sgt Matthew N. Miller - Nov 7, 1976 - Jan 28, 2011
No matter how many times I have said it in the past 3 days it doesn't get easier to say.
I have NEVER experienced as much pain as I am feeling right now in my life. I have given birth 3 times and this is a hundred times worse.
When my brother enlisted in the military the thought that he might die was there. When he was deployed first to Iraq and then again to Afghanistan the thought that he might die was there. But when he came home after a horrific helicopter accident and he had survived the thought had gone away. He was on home soil being taken care of by the army. No longer in danger of being shot by "the enemy". He was safe.
I was wrong. Not a year later he was in a head on collision. Again though, he survived, and the thought came quickly that he could die but again it went away. He was fine. A little broken but fine. He was healing.
So when the call came Friday evening...I was blindsided.
Found dead in his apartment. Gone. No warning. Nothing.
The shock has worn off but the crushing grief has set in. Not only am I dealing with the death of my only sibling but I have 3 daughters who have lost a special uncle who they thought of as a hero and talked of often. They made up stories about their soldier uncle and the good things he did for his country. Not only am I dealing with that but I am dealing with my mother. Who is grieving her child, yes, but is also disabled. My mother is crazy. No, that is not her disability, that is just her personality. She raises my stress level on a normal day to too high. So imagine how high my stress level is now.
I am trying to plan his services and I have no idea what I am doing. My mother doesn't want a "Christian" service because she is under the impression that he was a Buddhist. Whatever. I am trying to honor her wishes but still make it a memorable service. My father and I both would like scriptures and prayers but again my mother is against these things. Sigh.
My mother's side of the family seems to have forgotten that I lost my brother because they want me at my mother's beck and call. They don't seem to remember that I am also grieving. Again I know it is different. She lost a child and I lost a brother. If I lost one of my daughters I would be devastated but you know what? I am devastated now.
I am not a person who has ever cried alot in my life and right now I can't get through 2 hours without breaking into tears. Sometimes they are racking sobs and others like now they are silent tears (that I think actually hurt more). This is truly better than it was. I am finding the strength to get through this and I know it will take a long time and that the tears will be close to the surface for awhile.
My brother and I had a tumultuous relationship as kids. We fought alot but as we grew older we had become very close. I talked (texted) with him at least once a week and we were planning a family vacation to DisneyWorld together. Unfortunately this month had been a busy one for both of us and I hadn't actually spoken to him since Christmas. I am so angry with myself for not picking up the phone and taking the time. I wish that I had jumped in my van at Christmas time and driven down to Texas and spent that time with my whole family.
I know this was convoluted and rambling but it was thoughts I needed to get out. Hopefully I can actually write a post about how great my brother was. Not yet though. Even though he was.
I love you Matt and I will miss you for the rest of my life.
Sgt Matthew N. Miller - Nov 7, 1976 - Jan 28, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Weight Loss Wednesday - Er Thursday
Sorry for the delay! This post is going to be fairly short also. I have been suffering from a massive migraine and although I am on the upswing staring at a computer screen does not help the situation.
Ok update - I have lost a total of 5 pounds! Woohoo. Pretty stoked about it. I am thoroughly under a number that I have wanted to be under for awhile. Other great news - I had to buy new pants and they were a size smaller and even those are a little baggie. I was thrilled.
It has gotten much easier to eat more calories. I don't fight it near as much. Breakfast is still a problem I don't think I have eaten breakfast except once this week. Although once is more than never.
Exercise has been easier also - shoveling snow is mandatory so there is my workout ;)
If you are trying to drop some pounds also keep up the hard work and I will update next week!
Ok update - I have lost a total of 5 pounds! Woohoo. Pretty stoked about it. I am thoroughly under a number that I have wanted to be under for awhile. Other great news - I had to buy new pants and they were a size smaller and even those are a little baggie. I was thrilled.
It has gotten much easier to eat more calories. I don't fight it near as much. Breakfast is still a problem I don't think I have eaten breakfast except once this week. Although once is more than never.
Exercise has been easier also - shoveling snow is mandatory so there is my workout ;)
If you are trying to drop some pounds also keep up the hard work and I will update next week!
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Weight Loss Wednesday - Keep on Target...Keep on Target...
Well I suck at exercising. There I said it. I did not complete my goal this week. I didn't even try. The only day that I even came close was Monday when we went shopping. I truly walked for more than 20 minutes but I wouldn't say it got my heart going (well until I found the awesome deal on pants for my skinny Minnie daughter!).
So update time! - Not as good as the first couple weeks. I still saw a loss but it was only 1/2 pound. I am grateful that I lost anything this week.
I have to say it was a rough week. Not only did I not exercise but I was really bad at entering my calories this week. It was so bad that I was getting emails about it from the app! I just didn't feel it this last week. So thus the title this week. I need to keep on target! Keep it at the forefront of my mind.
I have noticed that when I think about my goals and what I am doing it is easier to keep track and my desire to exercise is greater but when I let life take over and push my weight loss to the back it's a whole lot harder to eat and then enter it into my tracker. It just seems like a lot of work and not only that but pointless. Part of me thinks I am doing fine on my calories and there is no need to enter and check.
Yeah that part of me...SO wrong. I went back and entered everything for the last couple of days...HA! I definitely still have a warped sense of calories. There was one day that I did manage to go OVER my recommended intake but most days I was way under. Need to make sure it is an important part of my day.
So Keep on Target!
So update time! - Not as good as the first couple weeks. I still saw a loss but it was only 1/2 pound. I am grateful that I lost anything this week.
I have to say it was a rough week. Not only did I not exercise but I was really bad at entering my calories this week. It was so bad that I was getting emails about it from the app! I just didn't feel it this last week. So thus the title this week. I need to keep on target! Keep it at the forefront of my mind.
I have noticed that when I think about my goals and what I am doing it is easier to keep track and my desire to exercise is greater but when I let life take over and push my weight loss to the back it's a whole lot harder to eat and then enter it into my tracker. It just seems like a lot of work and not only that but pointless. Part of me thinks I am doing fine on my calories and there is no need to enter and check.
Yeah that part of me...SO wrong. I went back and entered everything for the last couple of days...HA! I definitely still have a warped sense of calories. There was one day that I did manage to go OVER my recommended intake but most days I was way under. Need to make sure it is an important part of my day.
So Keep on Target!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Weight Loss Wednesday - Get Moving!
Alright so I am going to try and be consistent about blogging so I figured I should have a catchy title ;)
First - update on how things are going. I have officially lost 3 lbs total. Still on with my goal of 1 1/2 pounds a week. I have been trying not to step on the scale except for 1 day a week. It's really hard! I want to see the difference every day but I also know that if I look at the scale too often I won't actually see it. It's like seeing your own kids everyday you don't notice how much they have grown but when you see nieces or nephews who you might only see every few months you immediately notice the difference. So taking that in account I have designated Wednesday my weight loss day.
So get moving. I had to decide to try and lose some weight and get healthy in the winter! Sigh. I was going to try and start walking this week. Then we got 6 and 1/2 inches of snow and the temperatures plummeted to zero. All very good excuses ;) Last year I purchased a Wii Fit. I loved my Wii Fit. It was fun and it got me moving. Then I broke my foot. When my foot healed and I could use it again my Wii stopped playing video games. Killed my exercise. I don't have any equipment and I don't really have room for any even if I could afford some. So what am I supposed to do? Get Moving!
As you probably can tell I am really good at making excuses for not exercising. I need to stop doing this but it's so hard (insert whiny voice here)! I really do have an issue with getting myself going. Even now as I write this I haven't really been out of bed yet and it's after noon. Yes I have been up and about checking my girls school work, brushing my teeth, wandering around the house making sure the girls have been doing stuff but I almost always end up back in my bed.
What to do about this? Well I am hoping that since I am blogging and being honest about things that it will help me see that I NEED to get up and do it. My goal this week is to try and exercise 3 times this week for 20 minutes. I know this is not enough and I need it to be more but I also know myself and I know that if I make it too hard I will come up with reasons (excuses) not to do it. So 3 times 20 minutes I think I can handle and I will blog about it next week and see if I was able to do it. If I can do this then next week I will up it a little and just keep taking it a little at a time.
Next week I will try talking a little more on my calorie intake and how it is coming along.
First - update on how things are going. I have officially lost 3 lbs total. Still on with my goal of 1 1/2 pounds a week. I have been trying not to step on the scale except for 1 day a week. It's really hard! I want to see the difference every day but I also know that if I look at the scale too often I won't actually see it. It's like seeing your own kids everyday you don't notice how much they have grown but when you see nieces or nephews who you might only see every few months you immediately notice the difference. So taking that in account I have designated Wednesday my weight loss day.
So get moving. I had to decide to try and lose some weight and get healthy in the winter! Sigh. I was going to try and start walking this week. Then we got 6 and 1/2 inches of snow and the temperatures plummeted to zero. All very good excuses ;) Last year I purchased a Wii Fit. I loved my Wii Fit. It was fun and it got me moving. Then I broke my foot. When my foot healed and I could use it again my Wii stopped playing video games. Killed my exercise. I don't have any equipment and I don't really have room for any even if I could afford some. So what am I supposed to do? Get Moving!
As you probably can tell I am really good at making excuses for not exercising. I need to stop doing this but it's so hard (insert whiny voice here)! I really do have an issue with getting myself going. Even now as I write this I haven't really been out of bed yet and it's after noon. Yes I have been up and about checking my girls school work, brushing my teeth, wandering around the house making sure the girls have been doing stuff but I almost always end up back in my bed.
What to do about this? Well I am hoping that since I am blogging and being honest about things that it will help me see that I NEED to get up and do it. My goal this week is to try and exercise 3 times this week for 20 minutes. I know this is not enough and I need it to be more but I also know myself and I know that if I make it too hard I will come up with reasons (excuses) not to do it. So 3 times 20 minutes I think I can handle and I will blog about it next week and see if I was able to do it. If I can do this then next week I will up it a little and just keep taking it a little at a time.
Next week I will try talking a little more on my calorie intake and how it is coming along.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
I love this Kid!
Oh My gosh I love this child! I am thrilled that she is a part of my life and that I get to spend so much time with her!
I was at work one evening and she stayed home alone. I guess she got bored and decided to make her own film.
Here it is. Enjoy!
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Weight Loss Battle
This is a hard topic for me to write about (as I am sure that it is for many bloggers).
I was inspired to journal about this from my sister-in-law. She tried a program called 14/14. Basically the goal is 14 pounds in 14 weeks. I am not attempting that, although my goals are 1 1/2 pounds a week. I figured I could be as brave as Dangerous Crayon and actually document my ups and downs. I am hoping for more downs than ups ;)
So what am I doing?
I am keeping tack of my calories which is always a frightening thing. I am using an iPod app called myfitnesspal. It's a simple little app but it definitely keeps me honest about things. Everyday I log in what I have eaten and the amount and it shows me how many calories I have consumed and how many I have left to meet my goal. You can then enter in any exercises you complete and it will update your total. It bases your goals on your height and weight at the time and also takes into account if your lifestyle habits.
The thing about my issues with weight loss have always been that I don't eat ENOUGH calories so my body has been in starvation mode for a long time. It was an eye opener the first day I kept track of my calories. I hadn't realized just how FEW calories I actually eat. I mean I knew that I didn't eat enough for a long time but to see the actually figures in black and white was a shock. This isn't the first time I have kept track of what I eat but I have never actually counted calories.
The app will also tell you the nutrients you are getting and again this was a shock at how horrible of food choices I make. The little food I eat is giving me nothing. I need to fix this. I have 3 young ladies watching what I do and modeling their lives on me. I have always been strict about what they eat but never about me. I will make them a nice dinner but I only eat a few bites of the veggies and meat and tend to eat the carbs. Obviously I need to reverse that but it is a hard habit to break.
Breakfast and lunch. Again I need to fix things here. I tend to skip both meals and just eat dinner. I like that the app shows me each individual meals calories. The thing I have noticed about my habits are that if someone brings me food I will eat it but if left to myself I won't go seek out food. A good example has been lunch. My youngest loves making me sandwiches to eat at lunchtime but yesterday my girls went to a friends house for the day and I was home alone all day. How many calories did I get yesterday? Just around 1000. Now to meet my goal I need to eat almost 1500. Yeah not a good day and yes the app yelled at me.
So the good news. I have been doing this for a week and most days I have been able to get close to my goal and I have exercised more (it's nice to see that in black and white also) and because of that I have lost my goal of 1 1/2 pounds! Just have to keep this going and try not to get discouraged if the scale goes the wrong way. My final goal at this point is to lose 40 pounds. That may change as I get closer I may decide to go for a little more but I think I will be happy to make that. Not sure what clothing size that will make me.
Well hopefully I will keep this up to date and keep up the honesty.
I was inspired to journal about this from my sister-in-law. She tried a program called 14/14. Basically the goal is 14 pounds in 14 weeks. I am not attempting that, although my goals are 1 1/2 pounds a week. I figured I could be as brave as Dangerous Crayon and actually document my ups and downs. I am hoping for more downs than ups ;)
So what am I doing?
I am keeping tack of my calories which is always a frightening thing. I am using an iPod app called myfitnesspal. It's a simple little app but it definitely keeps me honest about things. Everyday I log in what I have eaten and the amount and it shows me how many calories I have consumed and how many I have left to meet my goal. You can then enter in any exercises you complete and it will update your total. It bases your goals on your height and weight at the time and also takes into account if your lifestyle habits.
The thing about my issues with weight loss have always been that I don't eat ENOUGH calories so my body has been in starvation mode for a long time. It was an eye opener the first day I kept track of my calories. I hadn't realized just how FEW calories I actually eat. I mean I knew that I didn't eat enough for a long time but to see the actually figures in black and white was a shock. This isn't the first time I have kept track of what I eat but I have never actually counted calories.
The app will also tell you the nutrients you are getting and again this was a shock at how horrible of food choices I make. The little food I eat is giving me nothing. I need to fix this. I have 3 young ladies watching what I do and modeling their lives on me. I have always been strict about what they eat but never about me. I will make them a nice dinner but I only eat a few bites of the veggies and meat and tend to eat the carbs. Obviously I need to reverse that but it is a hard habit to break.
Breakfast and lunch. Again I need to fix things here. I tend to skip both meals and just eat dinner. I like that the app shows me each individual meals calories. The thing I have noticed about my habits are that if someone brings me food I will eat it but if left to myself I won't go seek out food. A good example has been lunch. My youngest loves making me sandwiches to eat at lunchtime but yesterday my girls went to a friends house for the day and I was home alone all day. How many calories did I get yesterday? Just around 1000. Now to meet my goal I need to eat almost 1500. Yeah not a good day and yes the app yelled at me.
So the good news. I have been doing this for a week and most days I have been able to get close to my goal and I have exercised more (it's nice to see that in black and white also) and because of that I have lost my goal of 1 1/2 pounds! Just have to keep this going and try not to get discouraged if the scale goes the wrong way. My final goal at this point is to lose 40 pounds. That may change as I get closer I may decide to go for a little more but I think I will be happy to make that. Not sure what clothing size that will make me.
Well hopefully I will keep this up to date and keep up the honesty.
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