You only say that cause no one ever has...

You only say that cause no one ever has...

Sunday, October 30, 2011

I hate this!!

I hate this, I hate this, I HATE THIS!
It has been 9 months. I really thought it would be easier by now. The grief should be easing and accepting that my brother is gone and I will never see him again should be easier.

It's not.

The pain is still here, still fresh every day.

Now saying this does not mean it hasn't gotten ANY better. There are days that go by that I don't break down. Not a lot, but some. I do make it through most days and can eat and sleep which is better than the first few weeks. I still have some insomnia but definitely not as much.

The depression that I had mostly dealt with growing up is back in force though. I had gotten to a better place but with everything that has happened this year it has resurfaced. There are too many days that I feel the world would be better off with out me. I have my kids which helps break me out of the slumps but there is not a lot of happy in me. I can put on a good show for everyone. I am not so bad that I would even consider taking my life. I have been there and don't plan on going back.

I really miss my brother. I hate sitting at my husband's parent's house and watching his family. It just reminds me of what I don't have anymore.

My family was never ideal but I at least had some. Now I just feel like I am drifting by myself. My mom is pretty much out of my life and I have never been exactly close to my dad. Without my brother I feel isolated.
I have my husband and children but there is something about the people you grew up with, the ones who share your childhood memories, that you can call, or email, or text, or facebook, or however you talk to your siblings, and just be able to reminisce. They know exactly how you felt and what happened without having to explain everything.

I know I am rambling but I really just want to be talking with my brother about Halloween and asking his opinion on how to make my daughter's zombie costume better and what would be a good "first" horror movie for my oldest daughter. His birthday is coming up and I know I will be a complete wreck that day.

I still want a hug from Matt. Just one. Please?


  1. I'm sorry that it still hurts so much. Not because there's anything wrong with grieving, but because you are hurting, and really there's nothing any of the rest of us can to to take away that hurt.

    No other hugs can substitute for his. Having a birthday cake when he can't blow out the candles or share a piece doesn't fix things.

    Please remember if your depression gets worse, we are people who love you, and don't want to see you suffering. And you know that we will do what we must to ensure that you stay safe enough to give your own kids a hug.

    Tell us, what's your favorite Halloween or birthday memory about Matt?

  2. I just saw your comment. I haven't logged on here since I wrote this because it has just been too hard.
    A memory of my brother on his birthday was that he NEVER wanted cake. He always wanted Strawberry Cheesecake. It's funny that I ended up marrying someone who was the same way. I think that from now on I may have cheesecake on Matt's birthday.
    Another fun memory was that he had the nickname of the Grinch. It wasn't really on Halloween but I always remember it near then. One year he decided to dye his hair green, including his facial hair. Totally made him look like the Grinch so from then on it was a running gag and I would buy him Grinch things :)