I hate this, I hate this, I HATE THIS!
It has been 9 months. I really thought it would be easier by now. The grief should be easing and accepting that my brother is gone and I will never see him again should be easier.
The pain is still here, still fresh every day.
Now saying this does not mean it hasn't gotten ANY better. There are days that go by that I don't break down. Not a lot, but some. I do make it through most days and can eat and sleep which is better than the first few weeks. I still have some insomnia but definitely not as much.
The depression that I had mostly dealt with growing up is back in force though. I had gotten to a better place but with everything that has happened this year it has resurfaced. There are too many days that I feel the world would be better off with out me. I have my kids which helps break me out of the slumps but there is not a lot of happy in me. I can put on a good show for everyone. I am not so bad that I would even consider taking my life. I have been there and don't plan on going back.
I really miss my brother. I hate sitting at my husband's parent's house and watching his family. It just reminds me of what I don't have anymore.
My family was never ideal but I at least had some. Now I just feel like I am drifting by myself. My mom is pretty much out of my life and I have never been exactly close to my dad. Without my brother I feel isolated.
I have my husband and children but there is something about the people you grew up with, the ones who share your childhood memories, that you can call, or email, or text, or facebook, or however you talk to your siblings, and just be able to reminisce. They know exactly how you felt and what happened without having to explain everything.
I know I am rambling but I really just want to be talking with my brother about Halloween and asking his opinion on how to make my daughter's zombie costume better and what would be a good "first" horror movie for my oldest daughter. His birthday is coming up and I know I will be a complete wreck that day.
I still want a hug from Matt. Just one. Please?