I realized I never actually posted about the night I found out my brother died. With the one year anniversary coming up I thought it might help me to get it out.
On Friday January 28th 2011, my evening was pretty relaxed. My two younger daughters had a gymnastics meet the next morning so Jere was taking Bri over to her cousins house to stay the night. We were supposed to go over there right after the meet to celebrate our nephews 10th birthday.
While he was gone JJ, Morgan, and I were laying down in my room just goofing around with my new iphone. There was a silly photo app and we were taking pictures of ourselves and the animals. I remember laughing so hard we were crying. I still have those photos on my phone but they are so hard to look at now.
My phone rang around 8:30 and I saw on caller id that it was my mom. As usual I screened my call from her so I let it go to voicemail. Since the girls were with me I decided to check it after Jere got home so I could have a few moments to myself to listen to what she had to say. The girls and I went on taking photos.
A few minutes later my phone rang again. This time it was Jeremy. He said my mom had just called him and told him Matt was dead. I remember getting up off the bed and going to the hallway and asking what he meant. My exact words were "What do you mean Matt's dead?"
I was in shock.
I got off the phone with Jeremy and immediately listened to the voicemail from earlier. In it my mother was sobbing and saying there were Army people at her house and that Matt was dead.
I was still in shock.
I called my brother's cell phone and left him a message saying something to the effect that he needed to call me back right away cause mom had gone off the deep end. Then I texted him.
I was starting to feel numb.
I waited about 5 minutes hoping he would call me back and fix this. Of course the call never came.
Finally when I had the strength I made one of the hardest calls of my life (the hardest one came later that night). My mom answered on the first ring. I could tell by her voice that she wasn't lying.
The shock was starting to wear off. The numbness fading.
She ended up handing the phone over to one of the soldiers and they asked if I could come there or if they should come to me. I explained that I had my children with me and I was by myself so if at all possible I would need them to come to me. They agreed and said they would as soon as someone could come sit with my mom.
Now I have been given A LOT of grief from people that I didn't rush to my mother's side. That's fine. I can deal with that. I do have some guilt from it but as a mother myself I couldn't take my children over there and I couldn't leave them alone. So feel free to judge me but if you had an unstable mother would you take your young children who were now grieving also into that situation?
After I hung up with my mom and told her I would be over tomorrow as soon as I could I called Jeremy back. He was already on his way back to me and had called his parents. They left immediately and came over to be with us. I remember calling one of my close friends who lived 2 minutes away. Poor thing thought something had happened to Jeremy. She rushed over and ended up taking my younger girls to her house after we talked about them not being there when the soldiers came.
Cathy called and asked if we wanted Bri to stay at their house or if I wanted her to come home. I actually left it up to Bri. I wanted her home but I also know how she is. She doesn't like people to see her cry. I totally get that since I am the same way. She decided to come home so Cathy brought her home. As soon as she walked in the door I remember her going straight to her room and I don't think she came out for the rest of the night.
The hardest call I had to make in my life was getting a hold of my dad. The first call we tried to make was to his cell phone. He has one of those prepaid cells and of COURSE it would be out of minutes that day. The problem was I didn't have a current home phone number for him. My mom wanted to talk to him first so she called looking for his number. Not having it I had to give her my Aunt's number. My poor aunt had to have been frantic that night. No one was telling her exactly what was going on. We all just kept calling her for my dad's number.
The next hour or so is a little bit of a blur. I remember my in laws getting to my house. I remember crying. I remember someone putting a blanket around me and sitting at my kitchen table. I remember talking to my dad. That was the hardest call. We both just sobbed and I remember hearing him hitting things. I have to say I was so thankful that my friend took the girls to her house. I am glad they don't have that memory of me breaking down.
About this point I started getting calls from my mother's sisters. They were FURIOUS with me. They judged me. They told me I was a horrible person. They couldn't understand how I was sitting at my house and not with my mom. This is where the guilt does come in. At this point I COULD have gone over there but I also couldn't. I needed to collect myself before I saw my mom.
After about 2 hours the soldiers finally came to my house. I don't remember their names. I feel horrible that I don't remember that. I do remember that it was 2 women and that they were very kind. I also don't remember this but I have been told by the people at my house that they looked very nervous when they first got there but once they saw I had a good support system and that I wasn't screaming/crying hysterically that they looked very relieved (a few of the people told me it was actually very humorous).
They went through all the formalities and let me know that I was Matt's next of kin and that all decisions about the Army and funeral arrangements would need to come from me. I remember them telling me at this point there wasn't a whole lot of info about what happened. We just knew that he had been dropped off from work the night before and when a soldier went to pick him that morning they found him.
Again most of this is a blur. I remember being worried about his dog. I remember sitting down and writing out a bunch of questions with help from everyone there. I remember going through a lot of kleenex.
I think they stayed for an hour. It may not have been that long or it may have been longer. They gave me the contact info for my Casualty Assistance Officer and said he would contact me the next day.
Once they had left everyone else left pretty quickly. My night went on forever though. I cried the entire night.
The worst day of my life was the day we buried him.
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