I am so irritated with life right now. I thought things (grief) were getting better but then something happens that throws me right back into it.
My brother's entire apartment arrived a month ago. I am SLOWLY going through it. The packers, in their infinite wisdom, labeled all the boxes. Great idea right? Yeah. Not so much. Most of the boxes that I have picked to try to sort have been labeled papers, dvd's, cd's, thinking they won't be too emotionally difficult to open. WRONG!
I opened the first box and what do I find? Not dvd's like I thought (I think there were maybe 5 dvd's in there, to be fair) but a stack of get well soon letters from a high school addressed to my brother. Tears, tears, and more tears! Even writing this has me in tears as I think of those students and wonder if anyone told them he passed away. They were sweet and funny and you could tell everyone of those kids hoped he would get better.
My wonderful in laws have been trying to help as much as possible. No matter how much they may annoy me at times they have been there for me when I needed them. Be it picking up my sick kiddos from camp for me when I couldn't get there with it being 5-6 hours away to driving 4 hours to see if they can get my brothers bike running and letting me know how much it's even worth. To a father in law who will drop everything the minute I call him for the smallest things. Not sure I would be doing as good as I am without them.
Frustration stems from my Mother.
She moved away which is WONDERFUL! But left me to deal with selling her house here and dealing with the moving company and pretty much everything else. It feels like my childhood all over again.
I am tired. SO tired. I have my life to deal with plus hers plus Matt's. I truly feel at the end of my rope and slipping fast.
I just want it to all be done. I would love to be able to just focus on my kids and their schooling. Go on field trips and participate in our co-op. Finish scrapbooking our vacation. Breathe.
We are going to Texas in a couple weeks to visit my grandmother. She'll be 94 this year and I don't think I can take another death where I don't get to say good bye. I haven't seen her since my grandfather's funeral and I need to see her before the inevitable happens.
So I started writing this post last Thursday on the 28th. I got interrupted and had to come back later to finish. What I realized during the break was that it had been EXACTLY 6 months since Matt's death. I don't know if this is contributing to the grief that has flooded back but if I had to guess I would say probably.
I miss him every day. I just want to wake up from this bad dream now.
