Finally!
I just finished running/walking for 30 minutes. Go me!
My birthday is coming up next week and as my gift my husband purchased me a treadmill. Looking at that sentence you might think he was trying to tell me something ;) but it was what I requested. I got it on Friday and we set it up that night but then I developed an icky bug and it put me down for 2 days so today was the first time I felt up to even trying it out.
It it pretty nifty. I did one of the programmed weight loss exercises. I chose the smallest one knowing I hadn't really done any strenuous work outs since before my brother passed away. Was I able to stay at the rate it wanted me to? No. Was I able to go the full 30 minutes? Yes.
It wanted me to run for a minute and then walk for a minute, which I did do for most of the time. I think I turned the speed down on the running once to the point where I was walking and then when the running went to a much higher speed I had to take it back down to where I was. Not too bad considering everything.
I ended up doing a distance of 1.83 miles. According to my readout I burned 254 calories (which I know is a base line and not MY true amount but still a good indicator). If I had done it exactly as they said I would have burned 300 calories. Again I am not sad about this. Anything is better than nothing.
I have lost about 21 pounds since the beginning of the year. The past 2 weeks have sort of been a plateau with not much loss but also no real attempt by me.
My sister-in-law is preparing for a 5k soon and my hope is that eventually I can join her. I have never been a runner and I do have asthma but I figure she has it too and if I can build up a little at a time I can make it.
So on a positive note this week I have some success! :)
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Crushing Grief
I have not been in a good place for the last 24 hours.
My own head.
Can I get out now?
I really hate this. I can't even begin to tell you how much I hate it.
Friends and old girlfriends of my brother keep messaging me and telling me how much I meant to him. How much he talked about me and would brag about me. Thanks. I want to know this but then I don't. I feel like I wasn't a great sister. I should have been more involved. Should have called him more. Should have written more letters or emails. Should have should have should have.
We were closer than we had ever been but it wasn't close enough. I pray that my daughters keep close to each other as they grow. They will need each other and I know that it is hard to see that as you go about life.
People who know me know that I am not a crying person. I don't like to cry and definitely not in front of people but, dear lord, I have been crying alot.
I know it is to be expected and that it is good and cleansing and healthy and and and....
Yeah, everyone has been telling me that. If another person tells me that I may scream.
I don't want to be around people. They irritate me. Little things that have never really bothered me before (or perhaps they did but I was better able to deal with it) are driving me nuts right now. I have to bite my tongue and just take DEEP breaths.
The vultures have come out of the wood work. Matt's landlord wants new carpet and threatened me. My way ward half brother, who my mother gave up for adoption and I have met 3 times, is looking for money. Matt's ex-wife claims he owed her money from their divorce. GAHHHHH!!!! Leave me ALONE!
I am tired. Right after he died my sleep habits were changed, as in no sleep. Then as time went on it corrected itself and I was actually getting to sleep at decent times and waking up at a reasonable time. Now? Not so much. I think I was able to finally fall asleep at about 4 am and I woke up around 10:30. My poor kids have basically been schooling themselves for the last couple days. I want to snap out of this and go back to normal.
That anger at my mom? Still here and probably more so. When this is all said and done I will most likely have nothing more to do with her.
Ironic how just as I was writing this she called me and just made it more clear in my head how done with her I am.
My dad on the other hand, I have become much closer to. He calls me at least once a week instead of the once a month we had been at. A good amount of are conversations about Matt and the things that still need to be done but we do talk about our lives and are keeping each other more up to date about what is going on.
Most days I am looking forward to our trip (30 days!) but then grief hits me and I feel guilty about going or angry because he's not. I am truly hoping I can just let everything go for 10 days and enjoy our vacation. We had all been looking forward to this and now the girls are still excited but I am just not always there.
I am so scattered and annoyed. Even this post is annoying me. I hate that I am all over the place and not really making sense. I would so much rather be posting a humor blog than what this has become. When I started writing I was hoping to just write about my life with my kids and my weight loss trials but this has turned into a grief blog.
Which maybe it will help someone else. Maybe there is someone out there looking for someone else going through the same thing...I am trying to look on the bright side. Not that losing someone is ever good but if me getting all this craziness out could help someone else than it MIGHT make it a little better.
My own head.
Can I get out now?
I really hate this. I can't even begin to tell you how much I hate it.
Friends and old girlfriends of my brother keep messaging me and telling me how much I meant to him. How much he talked about me and would brag about me. Thanks. I want to know this but then I don't. I feel like I wasn't a great sister. I should have been more involved. Should have called him more. Should have written more letters or emails. Should have should have should have.
We were closer than we had ever been but it wasn't close enough. I pray that my daughters keep close to each other as they grow. They will need each other and I know that it is hard to see that as you go about life.
People who know me know that I am not a crying person. I don't like to cry and definitely not in front of people but, dear lord, I have been crying alot.
I know it is to be expected and that it is good and cleansing and healthy and and and....
Yeah, everyone has been telling me that. If another person tells me that I may scream.
I don't want to be around people. They irritate me. Little things that have never really bothered me before (or perhaps they did but I was better able to deal with it) are driving me nuts right now. I have to bite my tongue and just take DEEP breaths.
The vultures have come out of the wood work. Matt's landlord wants new carpet and threatened me. My way ward half brother, who my mother gave up for adoption and I have met 3 times, is looking for money. Matt's ex-wife claims he owed her money from their divorce. GAHHHHH!!!! Leave me ALONE!
I am tired. Right after he died my sleep habits were changed, as in no sleep. Then as time went on it corrected itself and I was actually getting to sleep at decent times and waking up at a reasonable time. Now? Not so much. I think I was able to finally fall asleep at about 4 am and I woke up around 10:30. My poor kids have basically been schooling themselves for the last couple days. I want to snap out of this and go back to normal.
That anger at my mom? Still here and probably more so. When this is all said and done I will most likely have nothing more to do with her.
Ironic how just as I was writing this she called me and just made it more clear in my head how done with her I am.
My dad on the other hand, I have become much closer to. He calls me at least once a week instead of the once a month we had been at. A good amount of are conversations about Matt and the things that still need to be done but we do talk about our lives and are keeping each other more up to date about what is going on.
Most days I am looking forward to our trip (30 days!) but then grief hits me and I feel guilty about going or angry because he's not. I am truly hoping I can just let everything go for 10 days and enjoy our vacation. We had all been looking forward to this and now the girls are still excited but I am just not always there.
I am so scattered and annoyed. Even this post is annoying me. I hate that I am all over the place and not really making sense. I would so much rather be posting a humor blog than what this has become. When I started writing I was hoping to just write about my life with my kids and my weight loss trials but this has turned into a grief blog.
Which maybe it will help someone else. Maybe there is someone out there looking for someone else going through the same thing...I am trying to look on the bright side. Not that losing someone is ever good but if me getting all this craziness out could help someone else than it MIGHT make it a little better.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Surprise!!
I am super excited!! After all the pain and horribleness of the last month I finally have something that is truly making me happy!
I have a HUGE surprise for my girls! GIANT, ENORMOUS, GINORMOUS even!
We are taking a trip to Disney World in April. My girls know this part already as we have been planning and saving up for it for 2 years. They knew why we didn't always get to go out to eat or why we didn't go see a lot of movies at the movie theater. They are counting down the days.
There was one small thing that my girls REALLY REALLY wanted to do while we were in Florida.
Swim with dolphins.
Unfortunately when I looked up the pricing there was just no way we could budget that. So the girls had accepted it and knew we were going to have a great time spending 4 days going to all the Disney parks.
We had been planning to do this trip with my brother before he died. He was going to drive down from North Carolina and stay at the hotel with us. He had been planning on taking Bri to Universal Studios one of the days we were there. Just the 2 of them. All of us were looking forward to spending a week with him before he was deployed again to the Middle East.
His death had put a damper on my excitement to go. I was starting to dread going and there is still that part of me that thinks I will be an emotional wreck while we are there. I am hoping that the surprise I have for the girls will help me through this.
We received an amount of money from brother's death and we have decided to use a part of it to take the girls to Discovery Cove and swim with the dolphins :)
It will be something they will never forget and hopefully something they can think fondly of Uncle Matt for. I know for me being able to give them this is making me feel lighter, less like Atlas, with the weight of the world on my shoulders.
So Friday during our vacation we will be swimming with dolphins, snorkeling, feeding birds, and hanging out at the secluded beaches. Also included in our tickets are unlimited 14 day passes to SeaWorld which was somewhere else my girls wanted to go but I just couldn't figure out how to squeeze out any more money.
We are keeping it a surprise and not telling them about it. So if you talk to my girls please don't say anything to them and pray for no tropical storms...
I truly cannot wait for this vacation. Even though I know I will be so exhausted from our week that I will need a vacation when we get home ;)
I have a HUGE surprise for my girls! GIANT, ENORMOUS, GINORMOUS even!
We are taking a trip to Disney World in April. My girls know this part already as we have been planning and saving up for it for 2 years. They knew why we didn't always get to go out to eat or why we didn't go see a lot of movies at the movie theater. They are counting down the days.
There was one small thing that my girls REALLY REALLY wanted to do while we were in Florida.
Swim with dolphins.
Unfortunately when I looked up the pricing there was just no way we could budget that. So the girls had accepted it and knew we were going to have a great time spending 4 days going to all the Disney parks.
We had been planning to do this trip with my brother before he died. He was going to drive down from North Carolina and stay at the hotel with us. He had been planning on taking Bri to Universal Studios one of the days we were there. Just the 2 of them. All of us were looking forward to spending a week with him before he was deployed again to the Middle East.
His death had put a damper on my excitement to go. I was starting to dread going and there is still that part of me that thinks I will be an emotional wreck while we are there. I am hoping that the surprise I have for the girls will help me through this.
We received an amount of money from brother's death and we have decided to use a part of it to take the girls to Discovery Cove and swim with the dolphins :)
It will be something they will never forget and hopefully something they can think fondly of Uncle Matt for. I know for me being able to give them this is making me feel lighter, less like Atlas, with the weight of the world on my shoulders.
So Friday during our vacation we will be swimming with dolphins, snorkeling, feeding birds, and hanging out at the secluded beaches. Also included in our tickets are unlimited 14 day passes to SeaWorld which was somewhere else my girls wanted to go but I just couldn't figure out how to squeeze out any more money.
We are keeping it a surprise and not telling them about it. So if you talk to my girls please don't say anything to them and pray for no tropical storms...
I truly cannot wait for this vacation. Even though I know I will be so exhausted from our week that I will need a vacation when we get home ;)
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