Crushing Grief

I have not been in a good place for the last 24 hours.
My own head.
Can I get out now?

I really hate this. I can't even begin to tell you how much I hate it.

Friends and old girlfriends of my brother keep messaging me and telling me how much I meant to him. How much he talked about me and would brag about me. Thanks. I want to know this but then I don't. I feel like I wasn't a great sister. I should have been more involved. Should have called him more. Should have written more letters or emails. Should have should have should have.
We were closer than we had ever been but it wasn't close enough. I pray that my daughters keep close to each other as they grow. They will need each other and I know that it is hard to see that as you go about life.

People who know me know that I am not a crying person. I don't like to cry and definitely not in front of people but, dear lord, I have been crying alot.
I know it is to be expected and that it is good and cleansing and healthy and and and....
Yeah, everyone has been telling me that. If another person tells me that I may scream.

I don't want to be around people. They irritate me. Little things that have never really bothered me before (or perhaps they did but I was better able to deal with it) are driving me nuts right now. I have to bite my tongue and just take DEEP breaths.

The vultures have come out of the wood work. Matt's landlord wants new carpet and threatened me. My way ward half brother, who my mother gave up for adoption and I have met 3 times, is looking for money. Matt's ex-wife claims he owed her money from their divorce. GAHHHHH!!!! Leave me ALONE!

I am tired. Right after he died my sleep habits were changed, as in no sleep. Then as time went on it corrected itself and I was actually getting to sleep at decent times and waking up at a reasonable time. Now? Not so much. I think I was able to finally fall asleep at about 4 am and I woke up around 10:30. My poor kids have basically been schooling themselves for the last couple days. I want to snap out of this and go back to normal.

That anger at my mom? Still here and probably more so. When this is all said and done I will most likely have nothing more to do with her.
Ironic how just as I was writing this she called me and just made it more clear in my head how done with her I am.
My dad on the other hand, I have become much closer to. He calls me at least once a week instead of the once a month we had been at. A good amount of are conversations about Matt and the things that still need to be done but we do talk about our lives and are keeping each other more up to date about what is going on.

Most days I am looking forward to our trip (30 days!) but then grief hits me and I feel guilty about going or angry because he's not. I am truly hoping I can just let everything go for 10 days and enjoy our vacation. We had all been looking forward to this and now the girls are still excited but I am just not always there.

I am so scattered and annoyed. Even this post is annoying me. I hate that I am all over the place and not really making sense. I would so much rather be posting a humor blog than what this has become. When I started writing I was hoping to just write about my life with my kids and my weight loss trials but this has turned into a grief blog. 
Which maybe it will help someone else. Maybe there is someone out there looking for someone else going through the same thing...I am trying to look on the bright side. Not that losing someone is ever good but if me getting all this craziness out could help someone else than it MIGHT make it a little better.