You only say that cause no one ever has...

You only say that cause no one ever has...

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Getting ready

Tomorrow begins the long days of Visitation and Funeral.

It's been a long week of trying to get things planned and thought out. I never realized how much went into planning a funeral before and I truly hope I never have to do this again.

The pain is still there although I am learning to push through. Choosing his grave site was both easier than I thought and harder. It was easier because when they showed us the area I knew exactly where it should be. It was harder because the thought of my beautiful and bright brother lying there forever is breaking my heart. I picked a spot that would be easy for my mom to go visit him and that was in a nice spot. I am thinking about her in all my decisions.

Her sisters have come to realize that and everyone of them has apologized to me for treating me so badly at first. They have also informed that they now realize how crazy she truly is and that they have only been hearing her side of the story for all these years. The thing is I have tried to talk to them about this before but I do try my hardest not to talk bad about my mom. Needless to say they are supporting me now. The sad thing is it's too late for my brother.

I am trying to figure out what to put on the tables tomorrow and I have had to go through pictures. It was pulling at my gut to see him and think that I will never actually touch him or talk to him again. I know this post is all over the place and it took a totally different turn than I thought it would go. When I started out I was planning on writing about how wonderful the Army has been. They truly have been.

I went to North Carolina to the base he was stationed at. They had a memorial service for him and it was amazing. They recorded the whole thing and I am so happy because at the time I was listening to everything but now it's hard to remember everything that was said. The one thing that about sent me over though was the Roll Call. I am so glad that our escorts warned us about it. Basically towards the end of the service they have everyone stand up and from the back of the room they start calling out soldiers. After their names are called they answer. They said about 5 names then they called Sargent Miller...silence. Sargent Matthew Miller...still silence. Staff  Sargent Matthew Norris Miller...nothing. All you hear are the tears falling from everyone in the room. It was powerful and painful.

However hard that was I know that tomorrow and Monday will be unbelievably worse. Hopefully I can write more about the visit to the base and the plane-side where they brought him home. I don't want to forget how I feel so I am trying as best as I can to write it all out but I can only do so much each time before it gets too hard.

1 comment:

  1. Reading this has me in tears. I am so, so very sorry for the heartache that you and your family are experiencing, and for the end of a mortal life that was meaningful and important.

    I only really "knew" Matt back in high school, and you know how it was back then. I know from what you've said in the past how your relationship has grown, and what a wonderful brother he had become. I am grateful that you have had the opportunity to grow closer to him.

    Our thoughts and prayers are with you.