Buried my brother today.
Guess we go back to "normal" today.
Not sure what that means anymore. My life has a new "normal" now. Normal means I am an only child. Normal means no more laughing with my big brother about the crazy that is our mom. Normal means no more giant squeezing hugs from my teddy bear of a brother.
I am so tired.
Grief does funny things to your body. I never knew that. I studied the stages of grief in psychology classes in high school but I don't remember learning that it does physical things to your body.
Since last Friday when I found out Matt had died I haven't been able to eat right. I already had issues with food before this all started but since then I don't think I have eaten a full plate of food. When I do eat my stomach is so twisted in knots that the food doesn't stay long in my body.
Sleep is hard to come by also. I have had to resort to using a sleep aid to fall asleep most nights. Tonight I am going to try to go without it. I am hoping since I have had such a busy day maybe I can drift off tonight. Most nights my body is exhausted but my brain gets worked up as soon as I close my eyes. Memories start pouring in and the waves of sadness pile up and overwhelm me.
Headaches have also become very "normal" to me. I have suffered from migraines since I was 17 but normally they come quickly and then fade away within a day. I think I have had this headache (not really a migraine) since I found out.
Truly hoping I can write about my anger and resentments tomorrow. I need to get those thoughts out but I want to try and get some sleep before dealing with all that emotion.
Suffice it to say I made it through the hardest day of my entire life.
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