You only say that cause no one ever has...

You only say that cause no one ever has...

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Anger, Resentment, and a Singing Dog

I miss my brother. It's been a week since his funeral and although each day does get a little easier the thought that I will never see him again still tears at me with the same amount of pain. Not sure if that will ever go away.

Happy thoughts first. My brother's dog Eleanora has come to live with us. My girls are loving having her here. I love having that small living connection to my brother. I do not love that she is not fully potty trained :/
My brother had discovered that she sings. Only one song and only during the chorus does she do this. When you play Wild Horses by The Sundays Eleanora will howl. Not sure what it is about this song but it's true. So today during school I pulled up the song and got her going. The girls were laughing but I had to stop after the first time because you could tell Eleanora was getting upset and was looking around for my brother.
It's cute but I am not sure how often I can do that to her and to myself.

Anger.
I has it.
I am so angry at my mother. Not even sure anger covers the range of emotion I feel when I talk about her.
Disgust, embarrassment, rage, annoyance, resentment.
Some of it comes from the fact that she has NEVER hugged me during any of this. Really that's all I want and need. I need my mother's comfort. I as a mother have given it to my daughters and I know it has helped them. When I could see them start to fall apart I immediately went to them and hugged them. Showed them I loved them and supported them. The only time I didn't was at the funeral Bri read a poem and had a hard time getting through it. I stood up ready to go to her but I knew she wouldn't want me to comfort her in front of all those people. She is very private in her grief.
I know that my mother is hurting and the thought of losing one of my own children hurts horribly. I have hugged her and tried to give her support and comfort but hugging is a two way street. Sometimes you give a hug and sometimes you get a hug.
She has curled into a ball and I have hugged her, I have held her hand, and I have spoken what comforting words I can. I don't want to sound like I am whining because MANY people have come to comfort me. I have had a LOT of hugs (which if you know me you know I don't do much hugging) but there is something about a mother's hug that is special. It heals many things. That's all I want.

Resentment.
I have to say I resent my mom for being so weak. Again I know she lost her child but some times you have to suck it up and deal with things. During the entire planning I wanted her advice on things. I would call and ask for her opinion on the service or should we do this or that. Her response was always the same. I can't think I can't decide!
BUT then she would turn around and tell people I was not letting her help. That I was keeping her out of the loop. GRRRR!!!!! There are times I truly hate her. When she dies I am not certain I will feel this broken up about it.
She has put me through hell.

Two days after the funeral when I was dealing with Matt's bills, going back to work, a child who was vomiting, and all the other things of life, my mother decides she needs attention and threatens suicide. As if I didn't have enough on my plate as it is. Thankfully my father was still in town and was able to help with her but she made me so mad! While she was on the phone telling me that she was going to kill herself I said I couldn't deal with this and she informed me that I couldn't deal with anything. !!!What?!?! I went off on her. I was so ticked that she would DARE tell me that.
She ended up hanging up on me.
Don't blame her so much for that. I was telling her things she didn't want to hear.
Do you want to know the real kicker though? The real reason that she was threatening that?
She needed a ride.
It makes me sick.

Sorry for the rambling. I keep thinking it will get better but not so much. My thoughts are in such a jumble.

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