Tomorrow begins the long days of Visitation and Funeral.
It's been a long week of trying to get things planned and thought out. I never realized how much went into planning a funeral before and I truly hope I never have to do this again.
The pain is still there although I am learning to push through. Choosing his grave site was both easier than I thought and harder. It was easier because when they showed us the area I knew exactly where it should be. It was harder because the thought of my beautiful and bright brother lying there forever is breaking my heart. I picked a spot that would be easy for my mom to go visit him and that was in a nice spot. I am thinking about her in all my decisions.
Her sisters have come to realize that and everyone of them has apologized to me for treating me so badly at first. They have also informed that they now realize how crazy she truly is and that they have only been hearing her side of the story for all these years. The thing is I have tried to talk to them about this before but I do try my hardest not to talk bad about my mom. Needless to say they are supporting me now. The sad thing is it's too late for my brother.
I am trying to figure out what to put on the tables tomorrow and I have had to go through pictures. It was pulling at my gut to see him and think that I will never actually touch him or talk to him again. I know this post is all over the place and it took a totally different turn than I thought it would go. When I started out I was planning on writing about how wonderful the Army has been. They truly have been.
I went to North Carolina to the base he was stationed at. They had a memorial service for him and it was amazing. They recorded the whole thing and I am so happy because at the time I was listening to everything but now it's hard to remember everything that was said. The one thing that about sent me over though was the Roll Call. I am so glad that our escorts warned us about it. Basically towards the end of the service they have everyone stand up and from the back of the room they start calling out soldiers. After their names are called they answer. They said about 5 names then they called Sargent Miller...silence. Sargent Matthew Miller...still silence. Staff Sargent Matthew Norris Miller...nothing. All you hear are the tears falling from everyone in the room. It was powerful and painful.
However hard that was I know that tomorrow and Monday will be unbelievably worse. Hopefully I can write more about the visit to the base and the plane-side where they brought him home. I don't want to forget how I feel so I am trying as best as I can to write it all out but I can only do so much each time before it gets too hard.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Pain...and more pain...
My brother died. My brother died. My brother died.
No matter how many times I have said it in the past 3 days it doesn't get easier to say.
I have NEVER experienced as much pain as I am feeling right now in my life. I have given birth 3 times and this is a hundred times worse.
When my brother enlisted in the military the thought that he might die was there. When he was deployed first to Iraq and then again to Afghanistan the thought that he might die was there. But when he came home after a horrific helicopter accident and he had survived the thought had gone away. He was on home soil being taken care of by the army. No longer in danger of being shot by "the enemy". He was safe.
I was wrong. Not a year later he was in a head on collision. Again though, he survived, and the thought came quickly that he could die but again it went away. He was fine. A little broken but fine. He was healing.
So when the call came Friday evening...I was blindsided.
Found dead in his apartment. Gone. No warning. Nothing.
The shock has worn off but the crushing grief has set in. Not only am I dealing with the death of my only sibling but I have 3 daughters who have lost a special uncle who they thought of as a hero and talked of often. They made up stories about their soldier uncle and the good things he did for his country. Not only am I dealing with that but I am dealing with my mother. Who is grieving her child, yes, but is also disabled. My mother is crazy. No, that is not her disability, that is just her personality. She raises my stress level on a normal day to too high. So imagine how high my stress level is now.
I am trying to plan his services and I have no idea what I am doing. My mother doesn't want a "Christian" service because she is under the impression that he was a Buddhist. Whatever. I am trying to honor her wishes but still make it a memorable service. My father and I both would like scriptures and prayers but again my mother is against these things. Sigh.
My mother's side of the family seems to have forgotten that I lost my brother because they want me at my mother's beck and call. They don't seem to remember that I am also grieving. Again I know it is different. She lost a child and I lost a brother. If I lost one of my daughters I would be devastated but you know what? I am devastated now.
I am not a person who has ever cried alot in my life and right now I can't get through 2 hours without breaking into tears. Sometimes they are racking sobs and others like now they are silent tears (that I think actually hurt more). This is truly better than it was. I am finding the strength to get through this and I know it will take a long time and that the tears will be close to the surface for awhile.
My brother and I had a tumultuous relationship as kids. We fought alot but as we grew older we had become very close. I talked (texted) with him at least once a week and we were planning a family vacation to DisneyWorld together. Unfortunately this month had been a busy one for both of us and I hadn't actually spoken to him since Christmas. I am so angry with myself for not picking up the phone and taking the time. I wish that I had jumped in my van at Christmas time and driven down to Texas and spent that time with my whole family.
I know this was convoluted and rambling but it was thoughts I needed to get out. Hopefully I can actually write a post about how great my brother was. Not yet though. Even though he was.
I love you Matt and I will miss you for the rest of my life.
Sgt Matthew N. Miller - Nov 7, 1976 - Jan 28, 2011
No matter how many times I have said it in the past 3 days it doesn't get easier to say.
I have NEVER experienced as much pain as I am feeling right now in my life. I have given birth 3 times and this is a hundred times worse.
When my brother enlisted in the military the thought that he might die was there. When he was deployed first to Iraq and then again to Afghanistan the thought that he might die was there. But when he came home after a horrific helicopter accident and he had survived the thought had gone away. He was on home soil being taken care of by the army. No longer in danger of being shot by "the enemy". He was safe.
I was wrong. Not a year later he was in a head on collision. Again though, he survived, and the thought came quickly that he could die but again it went away. He was fine. A little broken but fine. He was healing.
So when the call came Friday evening...I was blindsided.
Found dead in his apartment. Gone. No warning. Nothing.
The shock has worn off but the crushing grief has set in. Not only am I dealing with the death of my only sibling but I have 3 daughters who have lost a special uncle who they thought of as a hero and talked of often. They made up stories about their soldier uncle and the good things he did for his country. Not only am I dealing with that but I am dealing with my mother. Who is grieving her child, yes, but is also disabled. My mother is crazy. No, that is not her disability, that is just her personality. She raises my stress level on a normal day to too high. So imagine how high my stress level is now.
I am trying to plan his services and I have no idea what I am doing. My mother doesn't want a "Christian" service because she is under the impression that he was a Buddhist. Whatever. I am trying to honor her wishes but still make it a memorable service. My father and I both would like scriptures and prayers but again my mother is against these things. Sigh.
My mother's side of the family seems to have forgotten that I lost my brother because they want me at my mother's beck and call. They don't seem to remember that I am also grieving. Again I know it is different. She lost a child and I lost a brother. If I lost one of my daughters I would be devastated but you know what? I am devastated now.
I am not a person who has ever cried alot in my life and right now I can't get through 2 hours without breaking into tears. Sometimes they are racking sobs and others like now they are silent tears (that I think actually hurt more). This is truly better than it was. I am finding the strength to get through this and I know it will take a long time and that the tears will be close to the surface for awhile.
My brother and I had a tumultuous relationship as kids. We fought alot but as we grew older we had become very close. I talked (texted) with him at least once a week and we were planning a family vacation to DisneyWorld together. Unfortunately this month had been a busy one for both of us and I hadn't actually spoken to him since Christmas. I am so angry with myself for not picking up the phone and taking the time. I wish that I had jumped in my van at Christmas time and driven down to Texas and spent that time with my whole family.
I know this was convoluted and rambling but it was thoughts I needed to get out. Hopefully I can actually write a post about how great my brother was. Not yet though. Even though he was.
I love you Matt and I will miss you for the rest of my life.
Sgt Matthew N. Miller - Nov 7, 1976 - Jan 28, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Weight Loss Wednesday - Er Thursday
Sorry for the delay! This post is going to be fairly short also. I have been suffering from a massive migraine and although I am on the upswing staring at a computer screen does not help the situation.
Ok update - I have lost a total of 5 pounds! Woohoo. Pretty stoked about it. I am thoroughly under a number that I have wanted to be under for awhile. Other great news - I had to buy new pants and they were a size smaller and even those are a little baggie. I was thrilled.
It has gotten much easier to eat more calories. I don't fight it near as much. Breakfast is still a problem I don't think I have eaten breakfast except once this week. Although once is more than never.
Exercise has been easier also - shoveling snow is mandatory so there is my workout ;)
If you are trying to drop some pounds also keep up the hard work and I will update next week!
Ok update - I have lost a total of 5 pounds! Woohoo. Pretty stoked about it. I am thoroughly under a number that I have wanted to be under for awhile. Other great news - I had to buy new pants and they were a size smaller and even those are a little baggie. I was thrilled.
It has gotten much easier to eat more calories. I don't fight it near as much. Breakfast is still a problem I don't think I have eaten breakfast except once this week. Although once is more than never.
Exercise has been easier also - shoveling snow is mandatory so there is my workout ;)
If you are trying to drop some pounds also keep up the hard work and I will update next week!
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Weight Loss Wednesday - Keep on Target...Keep on Target...
Well I suck at exercising. There I said it. I did not complete my goal this week. I didn't even try. The only day that I even came close was Monday when we went shopping. I truly walked for more than 20 minutes but I wouldn't say it got my heart going (well until I found the awesome deal on pants for my skinny Minnie daughter!).
So update time! - Not as good as the first couple weeks. I still saw a loss but it was only 1/2 pound. I am grateful that I lost anything this week.
I have to say it was a rough week. Not only did I not exercise but I was really bad at entering my calories this week. It was so bad that I was getting emails about it from the app! I just didn't feel it this last week. So thus the title this week. I need to keep on target! Keep it at the forefront of my mind.
I have noticed that when I think about my goals and what I am doing it is easier to keep track and my desire to exercise is greater but when I let life take over and push my weight loss to the back it's a whole lot harder to eat and then enter it into my tracker. It just seems like a lot of work and not only that but pointless. Part of me thinks I am doing fine on my calories and there is no need to enter and check.
Yeah that part of me...SO wrong. I went back and entered everything for the last couple of days...HA! I definitely still have a warped sense of calories. There was one day that I did manage to go OVER my recommended intake but most days I was way under. Need to make sure it is an important part of my day.
So Keep on Target!
So update time! - Not as good as the first couple weeks. I still saw a loss but it was only 1/2 pound. I am grateful that I lost anything this week.
I have to say it was a rough week. Not only did I not exercise but I was really bad at entering my calories this week. It was so bad that I was getting emails about it from the app! I just didn't feel it this last week. So thus the title this week. I need to keep on target! Keep it at the forefront of my mind.
I have noticed that when I think about my goals and what I am doing it is easier to keep track and my desire to exercise is greater but when I let life take over and push my weight loss to the back it's a whole lot harder to eat and then enter it into my tracker. It just seems like a lot of work and not only that but pointless. Part of me thinks I am doing fine on my calories and there is no need to enter and check.
Yeah that part of me...SO wrong. I went back and entered everything for the last couple of days...HA! I definitely still have a warped sense of calories. There was one day that I did manage to go OVER my recommended intake but most days I was way under. Need to make sure it is an important part of my day.
So Keep on Target!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Weight Loss Wednesday - Get Moving!
Alright so I am going to try and be consistent about blogging so I figured I should have a catchy title ;)
First - update on how things are going. I have officially lost 3 lbs total. Still on with my goal of 1 1/2 pounds a week. I have been trying not to step on the scale except for 1 day a week. It's really hard! I want to see the difference every day but I also know that if I look at the scale too often I won't actually see it. It's like seeing your own kids everyday you don't notice how much they have grown but when you see nieces or nephews who you might only see every few months you immediately notice the difference. So taking that in account I have designated Wednesday my weight loss day.
So get moving. I had to decide to try and lose some weight and get healthy in the winter! Sigh. I was going to try and start walking this week. Then we got 6 and 1/2 inches of snow and the temperatures plummeted to zero. All very good excuses ;) Last year I purchased a Wii Fit. I loved my Wii Fit. It was fun and it got me moving. Then I broke my foot. When my foot healed and I could use it again my Wii stopped playing video games. Killed my exercise. I don't have any equipment and I don't really have room for any even if I could afford some. So what am I supposed to do? Get Moving!
As you probably can tell I am really good at making excuses for not exercising. I need to stop doing this but it's so hard (insert whiny voice here)! I really do have an issue with getting myself going. Even now as I write this I haven't really been out of bed yet and it's after noon. Yes I have been up and about checking my girls school work, brushing my teeth, wandering around the house making sure the girls have been doing stuff but I almost always end up back in my bed.
What to do about this? Well I am hoping that since I am blogging and being honest about things that it will help me see that I NEED to get up and do it. My goal this week is to try and exercise 3 times this week for 20 minutes. I know this is not enough and I need it to be more but I also know myself and I know that if I make it too hard I will come up with reasons (excuses) not to do it. So 3 times 20 minutes I think I can handle and I will blog about it next week and see if I was able to do it. If I can do this then next week I will up it a little and just keep taking it a little at a time.
Next week I will try talking a little more on my calorie intake and how it is coming along.
First - update on how things are going. I have officially lost 3 lbs total. Still on with my goal of 1 1/2 pounds a week. I have been trying not to step on the scale except for 1 day a week. It's really hard! I want to see the difference every day but I also know that if I look at the scale too often I won't actually see it. It's like seeing your own kids everyday you don't notice how much they have grown but when you see nieces or nephews who you might only see every few months you immediately notice the difference. So taking that in account I have designated Wednesday my weight loss day.
So get moving. I had to decide to try and lose some weight and get healthy in the winter! Sigh. I was going to try and start walking this week. Then we got 6 and 1/2 inches of snow and the temperatures plummeted to zero. All very good excuses ;) Last year I purchased a Wii Fit. I loved my Wii Fit. It was fun and it got me moving. Then I broke my foot. When my foot healed and I could use it again my Wii stopped playing video games. Killed my exercise. I don't have any equipment and I don't really have room for any even if I could afford some. So what am I supposed to do? Get Moving!
As you probably can tell I am really good at making excuses for not exercising. I need to stop doing this but it's so hard (insert whiny voice here)! I really do have an issue with getting myself going. Even now as I write this I haven't really been out of bed yet and it's after noon. Yes I have been up and about checking my girls school work, brushing my teeth, wandering around the house making sure the girls have been doing stuff but I almost always end up back in my bed.
What to do about this? Well I am hoping that since I am blogging and being honest about things that it will help me see that I NEED to get up and do it. My goal this week is to try and exercise 3 times this week for 20 minutes. I know this is not enough and I need it to be more but I also know myself and I know that if I make it too hard I will come up with reasons (excuses) not to do it. So 3 times 20 minutes I think I can handle and I will blog about it next week and see if I was able to do it. If I can do this then next week I will up it a little and just keep taking it a little at a time.
Next week I will try talking a little more on my calorie intake and how it is coming along.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
I love this Kid!
Oh My gosh I love this child! I am thrilled that she is a part of my life and that I get to spend so much time with her!
I was at work one evening and she stayed home alone. I guess she got bored and decided to make her own film.
Here it is. Enjoy!
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Weight Loss Battle
This is a hard topic for me to write about (as I am sure that it is for many bloggers).
I was inspired to journal about this from my sister-in-law. She tried a program called 14/14. Basically the goal is 14 pounds in 14 weeks. I am not attempting that, although my goals are 1 1/2 pounds a week. I figured I could be as brave as Dangerous Crayon and actually document my ups and downs. I am hoping for more downs than ups ;)
So what am I doing?
I am keeping tack of my calories which is always a frightening thing. I am using an iPod app called myfitnesspal. It's a simple little app but it definitely keeps me honest about things. Everyday I log in what I have eaten and the amount and it shows me how many calories I have consumed and how many I have left to meet my goal. You can then enter in any exercises you complete and it will update your total. It bases your goals on your height and weight at the time and also takes into account if your lifestyle habits.
The thing about my issues with weight loss have always been that I don't eat ENOUGH calories so my body has been in starvation mode for a long time. It was an eye opener the first day I kept track of my calories. I hadn't realized just how FEW calories I actually eat. I mean I knew that I didn't eat enough for a long time but to see the actually figures in black and white was a shock. This isn't the first time I have kept track of what I eat but I have never actually counted calories.
The app will also tell you the nutrients you are getting and again this was a shock at how horrible of food choices I make. The little food I eat is giving me nothing. I need to fix this. I have 3 young ladies watching what I do and modeling their lives on me. I have always been strict about what they eat but never about me. I will make them a nice dinner but I only eat a few bites of the veggies and meat and tend to eat the carbs. Obviously I need to reverse that but it is a hard habit to break.
Breakfast and lunch. Again I need to fix things here. I tend to skip both meals and just eat dinner. I like that the app shows me each individual meals calories. The thing I have noticed about my habits are that if someone brings me food I will eat it but if left to myself I won't go seek out food. A good example has been lunch. My youngest loves making me sandwiches to eat at lunchtime but yesterday my girls went to a friends house for the day and I was home alone all day. How many calories did I get yesterday? Just around 1000. Now to meet my goal I need to eat almost 1500. Yeah not a good day and yes the app yelled at me.
So the good news. I have been doing this for a week and most days I have been able to get close to my goal and I have exercised more (it's nice to see that in black and white also) and because of that I have lost my goal of 1 1/2 pounds! Just have to keep this going and try not to get discouraged if the scale goes the wrong way. My final goal at this point is to lose 40 pounds. That may change as I get closer I may decide to go for a little more but I think I will be happy to make that. Not sure what clothing size that will make me.
Well hopefully I will keep this up to date and keep up the honesty.
I was inspired to journal about this from my sister-in-law. She tried a program called 14/14. Basically the goal is 14 pounds in 14 weeks. I am not attempting that, although my goals are 1 1/2 pounds a week. I figured I could be as brave as Dangerous Crayon and actually document my ups and downs. I am hoping for more downs than ups ;)
So what am I doing?
I am keeping tack of my calories which is always a frightening thing. I am using an iPod app called myfitnesspal. It's a simple little app but it definitely keeps me honest about things. Everyday I log in what I have eaten and the amount and it shows me how many calories I have consumed and how many I have left to meet my goal. You can then enter in any exercises you complete and it will update your total. It bases your goals on your height and weight at the time and also takes into account if your lifestyle habits.
The thing about my issues with weight loss have always been that I don't eat ENOUGH calories so my body has been in starvation mode for a long time. It was an eye opener the first day I kept track of my calories. I hadn't realized just how FEW calories I actually eat. I mean I knew that I didn't eat enough for a long time but to see the actually figures in black and white was a shock. This isn't the first time I have kept track of what I eat but I have never actually counted calories.
The app will also tell you the nutrients you are getting and again this was a shock at how horrible of food choices I make. The little food I eat is giving me nothing. I need to fix this. I have 3 young ladies watching what I do and modeling their lives on me. I have always been strict about what they eat but never about me. I will make them a nice dinner but I only eat a few bites of the veggies and meat and tend to eat the carbs. Obviously I need to reverse that but it is a hard habit to break.
Breakfast and lunch. Again I need to fix things here. I tend to skip both meals and just eat dinner. I like that the app shows me each individual meals calories. The thing I have noticed about my habits are that if someone brings me food I will eat it but if left to myself I won't go seek out food. A good example has been lunch. My youngest loves making me sandwiches to eat at lunchtime but yesterday my girls went to a friends house for the day and I was home alone all day. How many calories did I get yesterday? Just around 1000. Now to meet my goal I need to eat almost 1500. Yeah not a good day and yes the app yelled at me.
So the good news. I have been doing this for a week and most days I have been able to get close to my goal and I have exercised more (it's nice to see that in black and white also) and because of that I have lost my goal of 1 1/2 pounds! Just have to keep this going and try not to get discouraged if the scale goes the wrong way. My final goal at this point is to lose 40 pounds. That may change as I get closer I may decide to go for a little more but I think I will be happy to make that. Not sure what clothing size that will make me.
Well hopefully I will keep this up to date and keep up the honesty.
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