I hate this!!

I hate this, I hate this, I HATE THIS!
It has been 9 months. I really thought it would be easier by now. The grief should be easing and accepting that my brother is gone and I will never see him again should be easier.

It's not.

The pain is still here, still fresh every day.

Now saying this does not mean it hasn't gotten ANY better. There are days that go by that I don't break down. Not a lot, but some. I do make it through most days and can eat and sleep which is better than the first few weeks. I still have some insomnia but definitely not as much.

The depression that I had mostly dealt with growing up is back in force though. I had gotten to a better place but with everything that has happened this year it has resurfaced. There are too many days that I feel the world would be better off with out me. I have my kids which helps break me out of the slumps but there is not a lot of happy in me. I can put on a good show for everyone. I am not so bad that I would even consider taking my life. I have been there and don't plan on going back.

I really miss my brother. I hate sitting at my husband's parent's house and watching his family. It just reminds me of what I don't have anymore.

My family was never ideal but I at least had some. Now I just feel like I am drifting by myself. My mom is pretty much out of my life and I have never been exactly close to my dad. Without my brother I feel isolated.
I have my husband and children but there is something about the people you grew up with, the ones who share your childhood memories, that you can call, or email, or text, or facebook, or however you talk to your siblings, and just be able to reminisce. They know exactly how you felt and what happened without having to explain everything.

I know I am rambling but I really just want to be talking with my brother about Halloween and asking his opinion on how to make my daughter's zombie costume better and what would be a good "first" horror movie for my oldest daughter. His birthday is coming up and I know I will be a complete wreck that day.

I still want a hug from Matt. Just one. Please?

Ariel by Gabriel Madison

Ariel by Gabriel Madison

My rating: 1 of 5 stars


I have finished reading Ariel. This book took me a long time to get through. It felt like it dragged on forever.The book is only 287 pages which normally would take me 4-5 hours to read. This book took me days. I had to push myself to even finish it.
I WANTED to like this book. I really liked the premise of the book. Teen was an angel in a former life and now reborn as a human remembers everything about being an angel. God disappears from Heaven and an adventure starts. It had such potential unfortunately it was poorly written. There were a massive amount of typos that completely pulled me out of the story. It truly looked as though someone ran spell check and called it good. Whoever was the copy editor of this book has FAILED. Although most words were spelled correctly they were the wrong words. For example here is a line from the book - "The waiter brought our try of food..." Now if this was truly an ARC I could have moved past it but no this book has already been published.
The writing itself is very amateurish. When I first started reading this book I though it was a sequel. The author kept referencing a scene where the main character rescued an angel. It seemed as though we should already know what he was talking about. So I got online and searched for the previous book. Couldn't find one. Then I thought the author would explain further into the story. Nope. No info was ever given later. The author also tends to state the same thing over and over. We get it, the main character does NOT like clairvoyants.
There are too many pop culture references that will make this book dated quickly. The love story comes out of left field. You are led to think the main character is making a connection to one character then another comes in in the middle of the book. The first love interest then disappears towards the end of the book with no mention of him. I think the author forgot about him. Maybe this was on purpose to leave us wanting more but I really didn't get that impression.
I am thankful I did not spend any money on this book and I would NOT recommend it to anyone. I will not be buying a sequel as I have no desire to find out what happens next.



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If I Die by Rachel Vincent

If I Die by Rachel Vincent

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


If I Die is the 5th book in the Soul Screamers series.
Kaylee is a bein sidhe (or banshee) and has to scream for people's souls as they die.
In this installment of the story Kaylee is dealing with the news that she may die very soon as well as trying to figure out what's up with her new math teacher.
If you haven't read the previous books you will definitely want to pick them up first or you may be a bit confused.
This is my favorite book so far of the series, although the 2 short stories available as ebooks, are the best and really help fill in the missing parts, especially for this book. The author does a nice job showing the stages of grief as Kaylee processes her possible death. Kaylee tries to fit a whole life in a few days and it's interesting to see what becomes important and what doesn't matter in the end.
I have always liked Tod as a character and he truly shines in this book. I feel as though this story was his almost as much as Kaylee's.
The story moves along very quickly and although it is pretty predictable it has a very satisfying ending.
Definitely ready for the next one to be out.



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Delirium by Lauren Oliver

Delirium by Lauren Oliver

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


This book has an interesting concept. Love is a disease. Love can be cured. The hurt and pain of it is taken away with the cure.
I think that at some point in everyone's life they have wished they could get rid of the pain from life, but as this book shows there are 2 sides to love and if you get rid of one you get rid of the other.
I really enjoyed this book and am now anxiously awaiting the sequel.
The characters are well developed and I felt a real connection to the main character, Lena.
Her relationship with Alex did feel rushed at certain points but when you read the book you understand why the author did that.
You are left with lots of questions which makes it seem as though the next book will never get here. Delirium has a lot in common with Ally Condie's book Matched so if you have read that you should enjoy this book and vice versus.



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Won a book on GoodReads

Ariel by Gabriel Madison




Just found out I won this in a GoodReads First Read contest. Can't wait to receive it so I can read and review it.



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