Fear of Failure

I have been considering going back to school.
My husband is about to graduate with his Bachelors degree and then will continue on to a Masters and eventually I am sure he will get a Doctorate and so on and so on.
I am extremely proud of him. It has taken 17 years for him to get here but he has made it. He has been on the Dean's list for most semesters and if he misses graduating with honors it will be by .01, which devastating, still amazes me that he was able to take 18 hours and work over 40 hours a week.
My oldest daughter will be starting college classes by January. She will only be 15 but is ready.
Again I am considering classes for myself.
My husband and I will be celebrating our 15th wedding anniversary 2 days before his graduation. We have 3 children who I homeschool and I coach gymnastics 3-4 nights a week. In those 15 years I have thought about school for myself only a handful of times. Taking care of my kids and getting my husband through school have been top priority for me.
But if I want to be completely honest what has stopped me all these years has been fear of failure.
I am a fairly intelligent person but it has been SO long since I took a class and even when I was in high school I was always afraid to fail.
If I can convince myself to actually take the plunge I figure I will start off slow and maybe take some classes with my daughter. Get the basics out of the way and get back into the groove of school and GASP homework.
I have been looking at actual class lists and degree programs figuring out what I would actually want to study. I think I will fill out a fasfa this weekend to see if we could get financial aide. 
This is a step in the right direction.
Trying to face my fear and do it anyway. :/

Plane Side honors part 2 with pictures

With it being the one year anniversary of the plane side honors I decided to revisit the post and add the pictures.

The day was extremely cold and we were still digging out from the blizzard that had happened 3 days before. My father, Jeremy, the girls and I all met at the funeral home. They drove us out to the airport and we met with our casualty assistant officer. He explained everything that would happen and kept track of the time.

Waiting at the security tower.

 Once the plane was close to landing we all piled into the cars and the security led us to the tarmac.

Following the hearse and security

 We waited in the car while the plane got into position. Once it was coming around we got out to watch. I remember it being so loud and being so cold.

The plane coming around

 Once the plane was in position the Honor Guard got their instructions and lined up to march to the plane.

Honor Guard members

I had never met these men and women before and will probably never meet them again but I was so thankful for the service they provided.

Lined up ready to march.

After the plane was stopped they hooked a ramp to the bay doors. When that was in place the honor guard marched over and lined up at the end of the ramp.

Marching to the plane

Two soldiers dressed in acu's climbed up the ramp to prep the casket. They unpacked it from the crate it was shipped in to protect it and wrapped it in the American flag.

Wrapping the casket with the flag.

As the casket was lowered down the ramp everyone, and I mean everyone, stopped what they were doing. The Honor Guard saluted and many of the airport employees saluted too.

Staff Sgt Joshua Melocik is in the front. He was a member of Matt's platoon and brought him home for us.

The Honor Guard proceeded to pick up the casket and carry it across the tarmac to the hearse.

Solemn walk.

Loading the casket into the hearse.

They filed past us and it was a true honor to see how respectful everyone was. These men and women who had never even met my brother had tears and were struggling to keep themselves together.

The drive back to the funeral home was right during rush hour. I remember sitting in the car and just wanting this to be over.

View from the family car.

We were given a letter from Delta and it included what was told to the passengers (this one was read when they transferred planes in North Carolina but the passengers at KCI were read something similar). Here is what it said:

Ladies and Gentlemen.
We would like to share with you that on today's flight is Army Staff Sergeant Joshua Melocik who had the difficult yet honorable task of escorting a deceased fellowserviceman on his final journey home to Missouri.
In a few moments members of the local USO Honors Support team, many of whom are veterans themselves, and the North Carolina National Guard Funeral Memorial Unit will join Staff Sergeant Melocik to form an Honor Guard as our fallen hero is transferred on to the aircraft.
Freedom is not free.
We invite you to remain silent during the transfer as a show of respect and gratitude for our fallen comrade's commitment and service to our country.

My Daughter interviews an author - The Carnivorous Herbivore: Everything Under The Sun, an interview with S. R. ...

My daughter has her own blog and has been writing reviews for various books she has read (plus silly posts and some school essays). This has been a fun way to do book reports for school and a nice way for her to improve her writing. I have noticed a marked improvement from the first review she wrote to this last one.

A few weeks ago an author sent out a request on Twitter needing middle grade/young adult book blog reviewers. I contacted and her and let her know my daughter would be interested.
Bri was able to get an advance reader copy of the book and then interview the author. Check out her blog :)
The Carnivorous Herbivore: Everything Under The Sun, an interview with S. R. ...: On The Bright Side 1. What was your inspiration for writing On the Bright Side ? I have an obsession with death. With all the dark ...

Some Favorite Pics of 2011 :)

 I went through photos yesterday and these were a few of my favorites from last year. I will add Disney pics later but I have decided to try and post more photos and blog more often than I did last year. I will also try and post happy posts more often too. :) This pic is my sweet kitty kitty. He really isn't very nice to anyone but me ;)

 This is my baby girl finding out that hot glue guns are HOT. We were spending an afternoon doing crafts before Christmas. The girls made ornaments and wrote letters to Santa.

 Our middle daughter REALLY wanted an iPod touch. To the point that she was saving her money. We had told her she wasn't allowed to get one until she was 14. We lied ;)

 My eldest daughter always asks for interesting things for Christmas. This year she wanted a loft bed. She truly thought there was no way she would get one and unfortunately we were unable to have it completely ready for her on the actual morning. My father in law (who is a wonderful man) was building it for her so my husband took a picture of it on his phone. We wrapped a note that said "Ask daddy to show you his phone." This was her reaction to the picture :)

                                          Bri as Jack Sparrow for Halloween

                                          JJ as a fall fairy for Halloween

Finally, my very favorite picture from the ones I went through yesterday. Here is my baby girl crawling for BRAINS on Halloween.

Divergent by Veronica Roth

Divergent by Veronica Roth

My rating: 5 of 5 stars


This review MAY be SLIGHTLY spoilery - I am going to try and keep it clean of spoilers but may fail. You have been forewarned! :)

"In Beatrice Prior's dystopian Chicago, society is divided into five factions, each dedicated to the cultivation of a particular virtue—Candor (the honest), Abnegation (the selfless), Dauntless (the brave), Amity (the peaceful), and Erudite (the intelligent). On an appointed day of every year, all sixteen-year-olds must select the faction to which they will devote the rest of their lives. For Beatrice, the decision is between staying with her family and being who she really is—she can't have both. So she makes a choice that surprises everyone, including herself.
During the highly competitive initiation that follows, Beatrice renames herself Tris and struggles to determine who her friends really are—and where, exactly, a romance with a sometimes fascinating, sometimes infuriating boy fits into the life she's chosen. But Tris also has a secret, one she's kept hidden from everyone because she's been warned it can mean death. And as she discovers a growing conflict that threatens to unravel her seemingly perfect society, she also learns that her secret might help her save those she loves… or it might destroy her.

Debut author Veronica Roth bursts onto the literary scene with the first book in the Divergent series—dystopian thrillers filled with electrifying decisions, heartbreaking betrayals, stunning consequences, and unexpected romance." - From the inside cover


I read this book right after it came out and it had taken me this long to finally write a review. First - I LOVED this book. I loved the world Veronica Roth had created. I love that it is set in a dystopian Chicago (a place I am familiar with, as my family is all from there so it was fun reading about landmarks i know well). I love the idea of factions and that they tried to make a Utopian society but instead have turned in to a true dystopian world. I also love that she has left us with many questions at the end of the first book.

I was able to see traits from each of the different factions in myself. The choice that the characters have to make about their lives made me evaluate what I hold to be more important. Honesty? Selflessness? Bravery? Peaceful? Or Intelligence? Which would you choose? I am not sure that I could.

Tris is a very confused young lady in the beginning. Should she stay in Abnegation with her family or chose a different path? She never feels "good" enough to be where she is now. I think that many readers can relate to that feeling of disappointing the world around us.

Once she makes her decision and moves on with her life we are shown a new world and experience it all through Tris's eyes. Everything she has been taught comes into question. What is "right" and what is "wrong". Each faction has their secrets and in the first book we are shown some from only 3 of the 5. It will interesting to see more of the world in the next book.

There is a love story thrown in but I don't feel it overwhelms the story as I have found in many young adult books. I enjoyed the mystery of Four and the resolution of the story and I feel they compliment each other very well. Neither is perfect and their flaws make them more real to me. I felt the truly needed each other.

There is some violence that may offend more sensitive readers but I truly felt it was needed in this story. Veronica Roth did a great job detailing the action without making it gruesome. If you have read the Hunger Games this is much more tame.

I have already reread this one at least 3 times and am waiting very impatiently for the next book - Insurgent.


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Lesson Learned - I'm Not 18 Anymore

The temp was 65 degrees today so as a treat to my girls I decided we would go to the park. I love that being homeschoolers I can take advantage of this beautiful weather. Instead of going to our normal park we thought we would try out a different one with a bigger skateboard area. Our local one has a nice enough spot but this one offered more options.

Being the "cool" mom that I am, I also decided that I would grab my brother's board and give it a shot. Hey, I used to ride too!

My girls thought this was a pretty cool idea but insisted I grab the helmet too. Psshhhhaaa! In MY day we didn't wear stinkin helmets. Duh!! Only nerds wore those! But to be a "good" example, I sucked it up and grabbed it (remember this fact because it becomes important later).

Bri grabbed her gear and board, JJ got her bike, and Morgan chose to rollerblade (using MY rollerblades from my 16th birthday ;). We loaded up the car and headed out. It took us about 10 minutes to get there and we were pleasantly surprised to find no one else there.  The girls were thrilled, Bri especially as she hates to ride in front of other people.

JJ was the first out and riding since she didn't have any extra gear to put on besides her helmet. She took to the ramps and was flying. I helped Morgan get her blades on and then gave her some pointers about using them. Bri was still getting all her safety gear on. I slapped on the helmet and took off, getting my bearings. After a minute JJ started egging me on to try one of the smaller ramps. I took a look and decided it wasn't THAT big and hey I could go to the top and get a better feel for it.

I got to the top and looked down. And Down. And Down. (Ok, it wasn't really that high) Morgan and JJ were at this point both cheering me on. So I went for it. I figured I had done bigger ramps before, I could handle this, PLUS I had a helmet on. What was the worst that could happen?

Down I went and then "down" I went. I forgot some fundamental rules about skateboarding (don't lean forward). The board hit the bottom of the ramp and I went off. Luckily I did have the helmet on or I would have conked my noggin. In the end I wound up with a scraped and bruised arm, very bruised thumb, and soar hip. Not too bad considering.

Now the point about the helmet. The whole accident was my kids fault. IF they hadn't insisted I wear a helmet I would NEVER have attempted going down the ramp ;)

So new rule for 2012 - No more crashing.

Around the World at The Big Biscuit

My husband and I went on a date yesterday morning. It was the last day of his vacation and we thought we would make the most of it. While waiting for our food we decided to entertain ourselves.
First we built castles out of the jam and creamers and attacked with sugar packets. After one of the castles fell we noticed how it resembled Stonehenge

                                      Next we decided to visit the Leaning Tower of Creamer

                                       

                                           We took a quick trip to London and saw Big Ben

                                         Next came Paris where we saw the Eiffel Tower

                                        Finally we finished up with the Great Wall of China

Hope you enjoyed the trip, I know my husband and I did :)

Second Worst Day of my Life

I realized I never actually posted about the night I found out my brother died. With the one year anniversary coming up I thought it might help me to get it out.

On Friday January 28th 2011, my evening was pretty relaxed. My two younger daughters had a gymnastics meet the next morning so Jere was taking Bri over to her cousins house to stay the night. We were supposed to go over there right after the meet to celebrate our nephews 10th birthday.
While he was gone JJ, Morgan, and I were laying down in my room just goofing around with my new iphone. There was a silly photo app and we were taking pictures of ourselves and the animals. I remember laughing so hard we were crying. I still have those photos on my phone but they are so hard to look at now.

My phone rang around 8:30 and I saw on caller id that it was my mom. As usual I screened my call from her so I let it go to voicemail. Since the girls were with me I decided to check it after Jere got home so I could have a few moments to myself to listen to what she had to say. The girls and I went on taking photos.
A few minutes later my phone rang again. This time it was Jeremy. He said my mom had just called him and told him Matt was dead. I remember getting up off the bed and going to the hallway and asking what he meant. My exact words were "What do you mean Matt's dead?"
I was in shock.

I got off the phone with Jeremy and immediately listened to the voicemail from earlier. In it my mother was sobbing and saying there were Army people at her house and that Matt was dead.
I was still in shock.
I called my brother's cell phone and left him a message saying something to the effect that he needed to call me back right away cause mom had gone off the deep end. Then I texted him.
I was starting to feel numb.

I waited about 5 minutes hoping he would call me back and fix this. Of course the call never came.
Finally when I had the strength I made one of the hardest calls of my life (the hardest one came later that night). My mom answered on the first ring. I could tell by her voice that she wasn't lying.
The shock was starting to wear off. The numbness fading.

She ended up handing the phone over to one of the soldiers and they asked if I could come there or if they should come to me. I explained that I had my children with me and I was by myself so if at all possible I would need them to come to me. They agreed and said they would as soon as someone could come sit with my mom.
Now I have been given A LOT of grief from people that I didn't rush to my mother's side. That's fine. I can deal with that. I do have some guilt from it but as a mother myself I couldn't take my children over there and I couldn't leave them alone. So feel free to judge me but if you had an unstable mother would you take your young children who were now grieving also into that situation?

After I hung up with my mom and told her I would be over tomorrow as soon as I could I called Jeremy back. He was already on his way back to me and had called his parents. They left immediately and came over to be with us. I remember calling one of my close friends who lived 2 minutes away. Poor thing thought something had happened to Jeremy. She rushed over and ended up taking my younger girls to her house after we talked about them not being there when the soldiers came.

Cathy called and asked if we wanted Bri to stay at their house or if I wanted her to come home. I actually left it up to Bri. I wanted her home but I also know how she is. She doesn't like people to see her cry. I totally get that since I am the same way. She decided to come home so Cathy brought her home. As soon as she walked in the door I remember her going straight to her room and I don't think she came out for the rest of the night.

The hardest call I had to make in my life was getting a hold of my dad. The first call we tried to make was to his cell phone. He has one of those prepaid cells and of COURSE it would be out of minutes that day. The problem was I didn't have a current home phone number for him. My mom wanted to talk to him first so she called looking for his number. Not having it I had to give her my Aunt's number. My poor aunt had to have been frantic that night. No one was telling her exactly what was going on. We all just kept calling her for my dad's number.

The next hour or so is a little bit of a blur. I remember my in laws getting to my house. I remember crying. I remember someone putting a blanket around me and sitting at my kitchen table. I remember talking to my dad. That was the hardest call. We both just sobbed and I remember hearing him hitting things. I have to say I was so thankful that my friend took the girls to her house. I am glad they don't have that memory of me breaking down.

About this point I started getting calls from my mother's sisters. They were FURIOUS with me. They judged me. They told me I was a horrible person. They couldn't understand how I was sitting at my house and not with my mom. This is where the guilt does come in. At this point I COULD have gone over there but I also couldn't. I needed to collect myself before I saw my mom.

After about 2 hours the soldiers finally came to my house. I don't remember their names. I feel horrible that I don't remember that. I do remember that it was 2 women and that they were very kind. I also don't remember this but I have been told by the people at my house that they looked very nervous when they first got there but once they saw I had a good support system and that I wasn't screaming/crying hysterically that they looked very relieved (a few of the people told me it was actually very humorous).

They went through all the formalities and let me know that I was Matt's next of kin and that all decisions about the Army and funeral arrangements would need to come from me. I remember them telling me at this point there wasn't a whole lot of info about what happened. We just knew that he had been dropped off from work the night before and when a soldier went to pick him that morning they found him.

Again most of this is a blur. I remember being worried about his dog. I remember sitting down and writing out a bunch of questions with help from everyone there. I remember going through a lot of kleenex.

I think they stayed for an hour. It may not have been that long or it may have been longer. They gave me the contact info for my Casualty Assistance Officer and said he would contact me the next day.

Once they had left everyone else left pretty quickly. My night went on forever though. I cried the entire night.

The worst day of my life was the day we buried him.

I hate this!!

I hate this, I hate this, I HATE THIS!
It has been 9 months. I really thought it would be easier by now. The grief should be easing and accepting that my brother is gone and I will never see him again should be easier.

It's not.

The pain is still here, still fresh every day.

Now saying this does not mean it hasn't gotten ANY better. There are days that go by that I don't break down. Not a lot, but some. I do make it through most days and can eat and sleep which is better than the first few weeks. I still have some insomnia but definitely not as much.

The depression that I had mostly dealt with growing up is back in force though. I had gotten to a better place but with everything that has happened this year it has resurfaced. There are too many days that I feel the world would be better off with out me. I have my kids which helps break me out of the slumps but there is not a lot of happy in me. I can put on a good show for everyone. I am not so bad that I would even consider taking my life. I have been there and don't plan on going back.

I really miss my brother. I hate sitting at my husband's parent's house and watching his family. It just reminds me of what I don't have anymore.

My family was never ideal but I at least had some. Now I just feel like I am drifting by myself. My mom is pretty much out of my life and I have never been exactly close to my dad. Without my brother I feel isolated.
I have my husband and children but there is something about the people you grew up with, the ones who share your childhood memories, that you can call, or email, or text, or facebook, or however you talk to your siblings, and just be able to reminisce. They know exactly how you felt and what happened without having to explain everything.

I know I am rambling but I really just want to be talking with my brother about Halloween and asking his opinion on how to make my daughter's zombie costume better and what would be a good "first" horror movie for my oldest daughter. His birthday is coming up and I know I will be a complete wreck that day.

I still want a hug from Matt. Just one. Please?

Ariel by Gabriel Madison

Ariel by Gabriel Madison

My rating: 1 of 5 stars


I have finished reading Ariel. This book took me a long time to get through. It felt like it dragged on forever.The book is only 287 pages which normally would take me 4-5 hours to read. This book took me days. I had to push myself to even finish it.
I WANTED to like this book. I really liked the premise of the book. Teen was an angel in a former life and now reborn as a human remembers everything about being an angel. God disappears from Heaven and an adventure starts. It had such potential unfortunately it was poorly written. There were a massive amount of typos that completely pulled me out of the story. It truly looked as though someone ran spell check and called it good. Whoever was the copy editor of this book has FAILED. Although most words were spelled correctly they were the wrong words. For example here is a line from the book - "The waiter brought our try of food..." Now if this was truly an ARC I could have moved past it but no this book has already been published.
The writing itself is very amateurish. When I first started reading this book I though it was a sequel. The author kept referencing a scene where the main character rescued an angel. It seemed as though we should already know what he was talking about. So I got online and searched for the previous book. Couldn't find one. Then I thought the author would explain further into the story. Nope. No info was ever given later. The author also tends to state the same thing over and over. We get it, the main character does NOT like clairvoyants.
There are too many pop culture references that will make this book dated quickly. The love story comes out of left field. You are led to think the main character is making a connection to one character then another comes in in the middle of the book. The first love interest then disappears towards the end of the book with no mention of him. I think the author forgot about him. Maybe this was on purpose to leave us wanting more but I really didn't get that impression.
I am thankful I did not spend any money on this book and I would NOT recommend it to anyone. I will not be buying a sequel as I have no desire to find out what happens next.



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If I Die by Rachel Vincent

If I Die by Rachel Vincent

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


If I Die is the 5th book in the Soul Screamers series.
Kaylee is a bein sidhe (or banshee) and has to scream for people's souls as they die.
In this installment of the story Kaylee is dealing with the news that she may die very soon as well as trying to figure out what's up with her new math teacher.
If you haven't read the previous books you will definitely want to pick them up first or you may be a bit confused.
This is my favorite book so far of the series, although the 2 short stories available as ebooks, are the best and really help fill in the missing parts, especially for this book. The author does a nice job showing the stages of grief as Kaylee processes her possible death. Kaylee tries to fit a whole life in a few days and it's interesting to see what becomes important and what doesn't matter in the end.
I have always liked Tod as a character and he truly shines in this book. I feel as though this story was his almost as much as Kaylee's.
The story moves along very quickly and although it is pretty predictable it has a very satisfying ending.
Definitely ready for the next one to be out.



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Delirium by Lauren Oliver

Delirium by Lauren Oliver

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


This book has an interesting concept. Love is a disease. Love can be cured. The hurt and pain of it is taken away with the cure.
I think that at some point in everyone's life they have wished they could get rid of the pain from life, but as this book shows there are 2 sides to love and if you get rid of one you get rid of the other.
I really enjoyed this book and am now anxiously awaiting the sequel.
The characters are well developed and I felt a real connection to the main character, Lena.
Her relationship with Alex did feel rushed at certain points but when you read the book you understand why the author did that.
You are left with lots of questions which makes it seem as though the next book will never get here. Delirium has a lot in common with Ally Condie's book Matched so if you have read that you should enjoy this book and vice versus.



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Won a book on GoodReads

Ariel by Gabriel Madison




Just found out I won this in a GoodReads First Read contest. Can't wait to receive it so I can read and review it.



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Couch to 5K - Day 1

 Ok so I bit the bullet and decided to use C25K.

My sister-in-law tried this awhile back and from what I read on her blog it seemed to work pretty well.

I like that you go at your own pace. Week 2 you're not actually ready for a change? No problem. Keep doing Week 1 workout until you can handle it. The other thing I like about it is that someone is telling me what to do :D There is a schedule. I can follow schedules.

So Week 1 you start with a 5 min warm up walk, then alternate 1 min run and 2 min walk, and finish with another 5 min walk at the end. It is supposed to take 30 minutes but I managed to mess it up and ended up going 35 minutes.
I guess if you're going to mess up it's better to go longer than shorter :)

The best part of this was I made it with no problem. Yeah I was sweating and definitely breathing good BUT I could have gone another 5 to 10 minutes. So as long as Wednesday goes as well I may go ahead and start Week 2 on Friday. I figure I may have more issues with that one.

You are supposed to only do it 3 days a week which I will but I am going to do a mile run/walk on my off days. I am bad about taking one day off and then not going back to it so I need to keep up a routine of doing it EVERY day.

Doing this I will hopefully be ready for the 5k in April. I would love to be able to run the entire time but I will be happy to finish within 40 minutes. Considering I did 2.5 miles in 35 minutes I think it is a good goal!

Tired!

Man am I worn out!

I have WAYYYY too much going on in my life this month.

My dad will be here in 2 days (yay!), so he can help me go through my brother's stuff (sad).

My mother has moved away (YAY!), now I am dealing with the realtors to get her house sold (boo!).

Working a lot (yay money), working a lot (boo).

I am president of the Booster Club at my daughters' gymnastics school (how did that happen?).

Trying to get myself in shape to run/walk a 5k with my wonderful family including my sister-in-law, getting in shape (yay), sore muscles (boo).  This one isn't too bad. We have until April to get there. The biggest issue is I let myself get out of exercising this summer so the past 2 days have not been fun on my body. Hopefully it will get better.

Saw my grandmother this last month.

I know it will probably be the last time I see her. It was really hard to see her give up. She has always been a really strong person in her own quiet way. Always very active in church life and with her friends.
Now she hasn't left her house in the 4 months that my dad has been staying with her.
I know she is going to be 94 this November and that my grandfather has been gone for almost 6 years, but it breaks my heart to know she will be gone soon.
I think part of it is from losing my brother and knowing that the Miller line is all on me. My dad is the only one who ever had kids and with Matt dying so young and not ever having kids of his own, I'm it. I know that my daughters carry it on but it's still hard. What if none of them have kids? That's it for our line. The Millers will be gone. At this point the name won't even carry on.
Still I am thankful that I got down to Texas and saw her. The biggest regret I have is not going down and seeing my grandpa when he was in the hospital. I was able to have a real goodbye and hug and for all I know she will live for another 10 years and I will get to see her again.

Wow. Ok so this post kind of got away from me. Guess I had more to say about my grandma than I thought.

Always Remember

I am going to repost what I posted last year.
Losing my brother this year and knowing he would never have gone in to the Army if the attacks on that day had never happened makes this year that much harder.
I will never forget and here are my memories.

I know this is a day late but I wasn't originally going to post anything. So many others have written remembrances that I didn't think mine would add anything. I realized earlier though that the more people put it out there the less likely anyone is to forget. If you are looking for any to read I highly recommend author Meg Cabot's post about 9/11. I read it every year and it always makes me break down into tears.

Here is what I remember from that day.

I was a new mom for the third time. Sleep was still a rare thing in my house so I was taking full advantage of the fact that everyone in my household was blissfully sleeping. My phone rand annoying me to no end. WHY? Why did someone have to call and wake me up?!? I was so aggravated to have to answer the phone that I was very angry when I picked it up. It was my best friend.

"Is your t.v. on?"

"No"

"Turn it ON!"

I think I might have asked her what channel, not realizing that it didn't matter.

I remember the feelings as I watched everything happen. I remember watching Katie Couric and Matt Lauer talking and behind them the first tower was falling. I remember yelling at the t.v. telling them to turn around and to shut up. I know they couldn't hear me but it was the only response I could handle at the time. My husband and I sat in complete shock and then...the other tower fell and we both started crying. We had just watched emergency workers head into those buildings. We both knew that no one was going to survive that.

I remember the phone calls that day as everyone was trying to understand what was happening. One of my friends called to ask me whether she should go get her daughters out of school. My husband's work called to say they had closed his site just to be safe. They NEVER do that.

I remember sitting watching the t.v. all day feeling numb. My oldest daughter watched with me until I realized how young she was and that she shouldn't be watching as they replayed the plane crashing footage. She was not quite 4 years old. I never let her watch violence on t.v. but it just didn't occur to me. I couldn't comprehend what was going on. I remember her asking me if a plane was going to crash here, or if it would hit Nana and Papa's house, or daddy's work. She kept asking this for weeks terrified that every time daddy went to work he might not come home. She was young but the terrorists did their job.

I remember the gas hikes, people taking advantage of our fear. We were one of those who needed gas that night as we tried to go on with our lives and keep everything as normal as possible for our kids. Luckily my husband was able to find gas at a normal price but I remember the signs for $5 a gallon and the lines as people raced to get it.

I also remember complete strangers coming together and helping each other. Seeing the flags being flown at every house. Hugs from people I had never met and will probably never see again. We made it through that day and the weeks that followed.

My brother joined the army that year like so many other young men. I remember the fear I felt for him as he left for boot camp. The relief every time I see him, even now, knowing he is alright. I am so proud of him. I don't tell him that enough. I will try to do better.

My daughters don't remember much from that day. The younger two were too young and my oldest only has vague memories and I don't know how many are truly from that day or just from things she has seen or read since.

We have now made it nine years but when I see the footage from that day or read first-hand accounts about it, it all comes flooding back. Every time. Life has moved on but we should never forget.

Frustration!

I am so irritated with life right now. I thought things (grief) were getting better but then something happens that throws me right back into it.

My brother's entire apartment arrived a month ago. I am SLOWLY going through it. The packers, in their infinite wisdom, labeled all the boxes. Great idea right? Yeah. Not so much. Most of the boxes that I have picked to try to sort have been labeled papers, dvd's, cd's, thinking they won't be too emotionally difficult to open. WRONG!
I opened the first box and what do I find? Not dvd's like I thought (I think there were maybe 5 dvd's in there, to be fair) but a stack of get well soon letters from a high school addressed to my brother. Tears, tears, and more tears! Even writing this has me in tears as I think of those students and wonder if anyone told them he passed away. They were sweet and funny and you could tell everyone of those kids hoped he would get better.

My wonderful in laws have been trying to help as much as possible. No matter how much they may annoy me at times they have been there for me when I needed them. Be it picking up my sick kiddos from camp for me when I couldn't get there with it being 5-6 hours away to driving 4 hours to see if they can get my brothers bike running and letting me know how much it's even worth. To a father in law who will drop everything the minute I call him for the smallest things. Not sure I would be doing as good as I am without them.

Frustration stems from my Mother.
She moved away which is WONDERFUL! But left me to deal with selling her house here and dealing with the moving company and pretty much everything else. It feels like my childhood all over again.
I am tired. SO tired. I have my life to deal with plus hers plus Matt's. I truly feel at the end of my rope and slipping fast.

I just want it to all be done. I would love to be able to just focus on my kids and their schooling. Go on field trips and participate in our co-op. Finish scrapbooking our vacation. Breathe.

We are going to Texas in a couple weeks to visit my grandmother. She'll be 94 this year and I don't think I can take another death where I don't get to say good bye. I haven't seen her since my grandfather's funeral and I need to see her before the inevitable happens.

So I started writing this post last Thursday on the 28th. I got interrupted and had to come back later to finish. What I realized during the break was that it had been EXACTLY 6 months since Matt's death. I don't know if this is contributing to the grief that has flooded back but if I had to guess I would say probably.

I miss him every day.  I just want to wake up from this bad dream now.

Exercise Success!!

Finally!

I just finished running/walking for 30 minutes. Go me!

My birthday is coming up next week and as my gift my husband purchased me a treadmill. Looking at that sentence you might think he was trying to tell me something ;) but it was what I requested. I got it on Friday and we set it up that night but then I developed an icky bug and it put me down for 2 days so today was the first time I felt up to even trying it out.

It it pretty nifty. I did one of the programmed weight loss exercises. I chose the smallest one knowing I hadn't really done any strenuous work outs since before my brother passed away. Was I able to stay at the rate it wanted me to? No. Was I able to go the full 30 minutes? Yes.
It wanted me to run for a minute and then walk for a minute, which I did do for most of the time.  I think I turned the speed down on the running once to the point where I was walking and then when the running went to a much higher speed I had to take it back down to where I was. Not too bad considering everything.
I ended up doing a distance of 1.83 miles. According to my readout I burned 254 calories (which I know is a base line and not MY true amount but still a good indicator). If I had done it exactly as they said I would have burned 300 calories.  Again I am not sad about this. Anything is better than nothing.

I have lost about 21 pounds since the beginning of the year. The past 2 weeks have sort of been a plateau with not much loss but also no real attempt by me.

My sister-in-law is preparing for a 5k soon and my hope is that eventually I can join her. I have never been a runner and I do have asthma but I figure she has it too and if I can build up a little at a time I can make it.

So on a positive note this week I have some success! :)

Crushing Grief

I have not been in a good place for the last 24 hours.
My own head.
Can I get out now?

I really hate this. I can't even begin to tell you how much I hate it.

Friends and old girlfriends of my brother keep messaging me and telling me how much I meant to him. How much he talked about me and would brag about me. Thanks. I want to know this but then I don't. I feel like I wasn't a great sister. I should have been more involved. Should have called him more. Should have written more letters or emails. Should have should have should have.
We were closer than we had ever been but it wasn't close enough. I pray that my daughters keep close to each other as they grow. They will need each other and I know that it is hard to see that as you go about life.

People who know me know that I am not a crying person. I don't like to cry and definitely not in front of people but, dear lord, I have been crying alot.
I know it is to be expected and that it is good and cleansing and healthy and and and....
Yeah, everyone has been telling me that. If another person tells me that I may scream.

I don't want to be around people. They irritate me. Little things that have never really bothered me before (or perhaps they did but I was better able to deal with it) are driving me nuts right now. I have to bite my tongue and just take DEEP breaths.

The vultures have come out of the wood work. Matt's landlord wants new carpet and threatened me. My way ward half brother, who my mother gave up for adoption and I have met 3 times, is looking for money. Matt's ex-wife claims he owed her money from their divorce. GAHHHHH!!!! Leave me ALONE!

I am tired. Right after he died my sleep habits were changed, as in no sleep. Then as time went on it corrected itself and I was actually getting to sleep at decent times and waking up at a reasonable time. Now? Not so much. I think I was able to finally fall asleep at about 4 am and I woke up around 10:30. My poor kids have basically been schooling themselves for the last couple days. I want to snap out of this and go back to normal.

That anger at my mom? Still here and probably more so. When this is all said and done I will most likely have nothing more to do with her.
Ironic how just as I was writing this she called me and just made it more clear in my head how done with her I am.
My dad on the other hand, I have become much closer to. He calls me at least once a week instead of the once a month we had been at. A good amount of are conversations about Matt and the things that still need to be done but we do talk about our lives and are keeping each other more up to date about what is going on.

Most days I am looking forward to our trip (30 days!) but then grief hits me and I feel guilty about going or angry because he's not. I am truly hoping I can just let everything go for 10 days and enjoy our vacation. We had all been looking forward to this and now the girls are still excited but I am just not always there.

I am so scattered and annoyed. Even this post is annoying me. I hate that I am all over the place and not really making sense. I would so much rather be posting a humor blog than what this has become. When I started writing I was hoping to just write about my life with my kids and my weight loss trials but this has turned into a grief blog. 
Which maybe it will help someone else. Maybe there is someone out there looking for someone else going through the same thing...I am trying to look on the bright side. Not that losing someone is ever good but if me getting all this craziness out could help someone else than it MIGHT make it a little better.

Surprise!!

I am super excited!! After all the pain and horribleness of the last month I finally have something that is truly making me happy!

I have a HUGE surprise for my girls! GIANT, ENORMOUS, GINORMOUS even!

We are taking a trip to Disney World in April. My girls know this part already as we have been planning and saving up for it for 2 years. They knew why we didn't always get to go out to eat or why we didn't go see a lot of movies at the movie theater. They are counting down the days.
There was one small thing that my girls REALLY REALLY wanted to do while we were in Florida.
Swim with dolphins.
Unfortunately when I looked up the pricing there was just no way we could budget that. So the girls had accepted it and knew we were going to have a great time spending 4 days going to all the Disney parks.

We had been planning to do this trip with my brother before he died. He was going to drive down from North Carolina and stay at the hotel with us. He had been planning on taking Bri to Universal Studios one of the days we were there. Just the 2 of them. All of us were looking forward to spending a week with him before he was deployed again to the Middle East.
His death had put a damper on my excitement to go. I was starting to dread going and there is still that part of me that thinks I will be an emotional wreck while we are there. I am hoping that the surprise I have for the girls will help me through this.

We received an amount of money from brother's death and we have decided to use a part of it to take the girls to Discovery Cove and swim with the dolphins :)
It will be something they will never forget and hopefully something they can think fondly of Uncle Matt for. I know for me being able to give them this is making me feel lighter, less like Atlas, with the weight of the world on my shoulders.
So Friday during our vacation we will be swimming with dolphins, snorkeling, feeding birds, and hanging out at the secluded beaches. Also included in our tickets are unlimited 14 day passes to SeaWorld which was somewhere else my girls wanted to go but I just couldn't figure out how to squeeze out any more money.

We are keeping it a surprise and not telling them about it. So if you talk to my girls please don't say anything to them and pray for no tropical storms...

I truly cannot wait for this vacation. Even though I know I will be so exhausted from our week that I will need a vacation when we get home ;)